Friday, May 27, 2005

Charlie Brown wants to give me money!

Gmail has done a fabulous job of filtering out spam (they also just added a link to report phishing attempts, which is kinda cool), but one got through today. It gave me a great laugh, so I am going to share it with you. As you're reading through it, please note the absence of capital letters, and the unintentional misspellings. As a cunning linguist, this email irritated me in so many different ways, and you'll soon see why...


From: mr. Charles Brown.
24 river lane government
reserved area, Abuja.

Attention please! strictly confidential!

Dear sir,

With all due respect, i guess my letter will not embarrass you, since i have
no previous correspondence with you. i strongly believed, i would not regret
approaching you in this matter. i am mr.charles brown, a solicitor at law
and the personal attorney to late mr. Mark Michelle, a french national. late
mr.mark ichelle is a private oil consultant/contractor with the shell
petroleum development in saudi arabia, herein after shall be
referred to as my client.

(Charlie Brown - great psuedonym, by the way - wants to let me know that either Mark Michelle or Mark Ichelle, with Shell Oil has an *important* message for me! Well, the email's not from Nigeria, so it must be real! I'm gonna read on!)

I have avery urgent and mutual business relationship to propose to you. On
thursday june 6th 2000, my client and his wife with their three children
were involved in an auto clash, all occupants of the vehicle unfortunately
lost their lives. since then, i have made several enquiries with his
country's embassies to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has
also proved unsuccessful. after these several unsuccessful attempts, i
decided to personally contact you with this business partnership proposal. i
have contacted you to assist in repatriating a huge amount of money left
behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by
the finance and security company where these huge deposit was lodged. the
deceased had a deposit valued presently at $12,000,000.00
million us dollars (twelve million united state dollars) and company has
issued me a notice to provide his next of kin or beneficiary by will
otherwise have the account confiscated within the next thirty working days.

(So, the guy and his family die almost 5 YEARS ago , and he waits until 30 days before the account gets closed to contact me. Great fucking timing there, genius. Maybe he was also in a deadly auto clash. Auto Clash, is he Japanese all of a sudden? Or is that what happens when you put your Joe Strummer CD on repeat?)

Having been unsuccessful in locating any of my late client relatives for
over two (2) years now. i am now seeking your consent to present you as the
next of kin/beneficiary to the deceased so that the proceeds of this account
valued at $ 12 million united states dollars can be paid to you. it is not
necessary to be a blood relation to late mr. mark michelle, neither is it
necessary to bear the same surname with him. it is even not important for
the stand-in next of kin to be a french national.

(So, according to French math, 2000 + 2 years = 2005? And if it's not necessary to be a blood relation, share a surname or even be the next of kin to a French national, why the hell isn't he taking the TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS?)

Already, i have worked out modalities for achieving my aim of
appointing a next of kin as well as transfer the money abroad for us to
share in the ratio of 60% for me and 40% to you. it is my intention to
achieve this transfer in a legitimate way, all i required is your honest,
co-operation,confidentiality and trust to enable us see this transaction
through. the money transfer paper work itself will include a certificate
of origin so that the receiving bank does not ask question. also the paper
work will include proper certificate that the fund being transferred is
from non-criminal sources. in short this will be a proper and legal money
transfer with apparently no risk involved. the transaction
is guaranteed to succeed without any problem.

(Oh, he's taking over half the money. Greedy bastard. Well, that still leaves me with about 5 million, I can live with that.)

As soon as i hear from you, i shall provide you with further
clarification that you may need.

your urgent response will be highly anticipated and appreciated. Best

Mr.Charles Brown.

Note: in the event you are not willing to assist, kindly notify me to
prevent me from making further contact.

*******END TRANSMISSION*******

So, should I take him up on it? I don't want to sound gullible, but it seems completely legit to me; they didn't pester me for my SSN, my bank account number or even my real name or birthdate. It's gotta be real!

I'll be going Jeeping and camping this weekend (wooo! Memorial Day!!!) and won't have time to reply to him with something wever and clitty, but I'm open to any suggestions about how I should reply to Chuck. If you're a regular reader of this blog, then you know that I like to send angry, snarky letters to people and companies that raise my ire, so if anyone has any ideas, let me know. I'll be back on Monday evening with some pictures to post, and hopefully some stories to tell.

Have a great holiday!!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

So NOW he tells the truth?

President Participates in Social Security Conversation in New York:

"Now, a personal savings account would be a part of a Social Security retirement system. It would be a part of what you would have to retire when you reach retirement age. As you -- as I mentioned to you earlier, we're going to redesign the current system. If you've retired, you don't have anything to worry about -- third time I've said that. (Laughter.) I'll probably say it three more times. See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." (Applause.)

Now say it with me, kids.

Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Iraq was responsible for 9/11

Got it? Man, I don't know if I'm more scared at the fact that he admitted to "catapulting the propaganda," or the fact that people actually APPLAUDED him after he said that.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Enough is enough

You know what? I've absolutely had it with you goddamn churchies. Catholics, Christians, Baptists... you're all a bunch of fucking loons, and I would appreciate it if you would either Darwin yourself, or move to Rwanda. They'll love you there.

And for those of you who continually email me when I put up something anti-religious, let me just say that you did this to yourselves. Christianity is now viewed by a large number of people on this planet to be equal to fundamentalist Islam. You're one suicide bomber short of becoming a fucking terrorist organization. Believe me when I say that you people belong to a well-established cult. Nothing more. The only difference between Christianity and Scientology is Christianity has been around for a bit longer. Please, make a conscious effort to stay at least 50 feet away from me, and keep your stories about your invisible man to yourself. I outgrew Santa when I was 9, God lasted exactly 2 years longer, and I have no intentions of letting that asshole back into my life.

Now that I have that out of the way, here's a few examples of why I have more tolerance and respect for a Jehovah's Witness than for you. At least the Witnesses will leave you alone if you don't answer your door. They don't break in and try to convert you to stupidity their religion.

By they way, all instances of extreme idiocy are emphasized.

Example 1:


Ken Ham has spent 11 years working on a museum that poses the big question - when and how did life begin? Ham hopes to soon offer an answer to that question in his still-unfinished Creation Museum in northern Kentucky.

The $25 million monument to creationism offers Ham's view that God created the world in six, 24-hour days on a planet just 6,000 years old. (I guess you no longer need facts in order to label something a "museum". Not surprising, they haven't been included in school textbooks for some time now, so this is just a natural progression. Personally, I would have named this monstrosity "The Godatorium.") The largest museum of its kind in the world, it hopes to draw 600,000 people from the Midwest and beyond in its first year.

Ham, 53, isn't bothered that his literal interpretation of the Bible runs counter to accepted scientific theory, which says Earth and its life forms evolved over billions of years.
(Yeah! Screw facts, scientific evidence and this newfangled thing called "evolution." It's much easier to believe in magic, or maybe Tarot cards.)

Ham said the museum is a way of reaching more people along with the Answers in Genesis Web site, which claims to get 10 million page views per month and his "Answers ... with Ken Ham" radio show, carried by more than 725 stations worldwide.

"People will get saved here," Ham said of the museum. "It's going to fire people up. If nothing else, it's going to get them to question their own position of what they believe."

Ham is ready for a fight over his beliefs - based on a literal interpretation of the book of Genesis, the first book of the Old Testament.

"It's a foundational battle," said Ham, a native of Australia who still speaks with an accent. "You've got to get people believing the right history - and believing that you can trust the Bible."

Among Ham's beliefs are that the Earth is about 6,000 years old, a figure arrived at by tracing the biblical genealogies, and not 4.5 billion years, as mainstream scientists say; the Grand Canyon was formed not by erosion over millions of years, but by floodwaters in a matter of days or weeks and that dinosaurs and man once coexisted, and dozens of the creatures - including Tyrannosaurus Rex - were passengers on the ark built by Noah, who was a real man, not a myth.
(So, carbon and radon dating are now tools of the devil, and not to be trusted? I can blast water through millions of tons of rock in a matter of a few weeks to create the Grand Canyon? Well, shit. Was the Royal Gorge in Colorado made by that flood as well? And a T-Rex on Noah's Ark? Jesus Christ monkey balls! Hook me up with the shit you're smoking! I wanna see a T-Rex on a boat!)


"He takes extraordinary liberties with Scripture and theology to prove his point," Adams said. "The bottom line is, he is anti-gay, and he uses that card all the time."

Ham says homosexual behavior is a sin. But he adds that he's careful to condemn the behavior, not the person. (So, he just hates buttsex, but not the perpetrators? Sounds like he had an "experience" that he's rather ashamed of...)

If that wasn't enough for you, here's another group of retards to point and laugh at.


TUPELO, Miss. -- A conservative Christian group has ended its nine-year boycott against the Walt Disney Co.

The American Family Association, based in Mississippi, launched its strike in response to what leaders perceived as the erosion of the company's squeaky-clean image.

The group specifically rejected Disney's extension of benefits to domestic partners of gay employees, promotion of gay-related events at its theme parks and violent and sex-filled content of movies made by its Miramax subsidiary.

But now the association's president said it's time to move on, saying there are "so many other issues" that need attention
(read: Disneyland laughed in their faces, and told them to STFU.)

He added that the announcement is not an endorsement of Disney, just an end to the boycott "as a ministry agenda item."

The boycott had a limited impact.

Disney has reported higher earnings, citing increased attendance at its theme parks and strong performance from its film studio and ABC television network.

Listen up, you fundie asshats. I'm going to quote your good book, and use it against you. You want a literal interpertation of the Bible? Try this one on for size:

1 JOHN 3:17
But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?

Keep that in mind next time you start spewing your tired old rhetoric about the evils of fagdom.

Here's a quote from MY bible. The book of Adams, Chapter 6:

"The argument goes something like this: 'I refuse to prove that I exist' says God 'for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.'

'But' says Man, 'the Babel fish is a dead giveaway isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. IT proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own argument, you don't. QED.'

'Oh dear,' says God, 'I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

I really hate people.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Be cool to the pizza dude

Being a former driver for both Domino's and Papa John's Pizza, I can attest to this. Be cool to the guy who is bringing you food. Call it Pizza Karma.

Oh yeah..... I'M BAAAACCKKK!!!!


Principle 1: Coolness to the pizza delivery dude is a practice in humility and forgiveness. I let him cut me off in traffic, let him safely hit the exit ramp from the left lane, let him forget to use his blinker without extending any of my digits out the window or towards my horn because there should be one moment in my harried life when a car may encroach or cut off or pass and I let it go. Sometimes when I have become so certain of my ownership of my lane, daring anyone to challenge me, the pizza dude speeds by me in his rusted Chevette. His pizza light atop his car glowing like a beacon reminds me to check myself as I flow through the world. After all, the dude is delivering pizza to young and old, families and singletons, gays and straights, blacks, whites and browns, rich and poor, vegetarians and meat lovers alike. As he journeys, I give safe passage, practice restraint, show courtesy, and contain my anger.

Principle 2: Coolness to the pizza delivery dude is a practice in empathy. Let's face it: We've all taken jobs just to have a job because some money is better than none. I've held an assortment of these jobs and was grateful for the paycheck that meant I didn't have to share my Cheerios with my cats. In the big pizza wheel of life, sometimes you're the hot bubbly cheese and sometimes you're the burnt crust. It's good to remember the fickle spinning of that wheel.

Principle 3: Coolness to the pizza delivery dude is a practice in honor and it reminds me to honor honest work. Let me tell you something about these dudes: They never took over a company and, as CEO, artificially inflated the value of the stock and cashed out their own shares, bringing the company to the brink of bankruptcy, resulting in 20,000 people losing their jobs while the CEO builds a home the size of a luxury hotel. Rather, the dudes sleep the sleep of the just.

Principle 4: Coolness to the pizza delivery dude is a practice in equality. My measurement as a human being, my worth, is the pride I take in performing my job -- any job -- and the respect with which I treat others. I am the equal of the world not because of the car I drive, the size of the TV I own, the weight I can bench press, or the calculus equations I can solve. I am the equal to all I meet because of the kindness in my heart. And it all starts here -- with the pizza delivery dude.

Tip him well, friends and brethren, for that which you bestow freely and willingly will bring you all the happy luck that a grateful universe knows how to return.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

I'm not quite dead

Not yet, anyway. For the two people who still visit this site, I felt it necessary to post an update, before getting a restraining order against Grace. =)

Work: Mucho sucko. I work for a medical company, and we just had a major product launch. What that means, is we don't have anything in stock, but we still take orders. It's a very odd system. As near as I can tell, their business plan is this:

1) Produce small amount of new product, and 1/3 of the accessories for said product.
2) Launch the product in the US, Australia and Canada about 1 month early.
3) ????
4) Profit!

On top of this, we are going live with Oracle after planning the switch for 3 years. We go live in July. I have had 1 training course. Again, we come back to the business model:

1) Plan major software change, linking us with Canada, Australia, Germany, UK and Asia Pacific.
2) Launch a major product 2 months before software implementation to ensure that if something goes wrong, it will go SPECTACULARLY wrong.
3) ????
4) Profit!

I've also been spending all my free time working on music with my band. I'll be posting more about that later, with some music clips and other fun stuff. But for now, this will have to hold you over.


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