Saturday, April 16, 2005

Did you know Shel Silverstein wrote for Playboy?

There once was a boy named Gimmesome Roy. He was nothing like me or you.
'Cause laying back and getting high was all he cared to do.
As a kid, he sat in the cellar, sniffing airplane glue.
And then he smoked bananas -- which was then the thing to do.
He tried aspirin in Coca-Cola, breathed helium on the sly,
And his life was just one endless search to find that perfect high.
But grass just made him want to lay back and eat chocolate-chip pizza all night,
And the great things he wrote while he was stoned looked like shit in the morning light.
And speed just made him rap all day, reds just laid him back,
And Cocaine Rose was sweet to his nose, but the price nearly broke his back.
He tried PCP and THC, but they didn't quite do the trick,
And poppers nearly blew his heart and mushrooms made him sick.
Acid made him see the light, but he couldn't remember it long.
And hashish was just a little too weak, and smack was a lot too strong,
And Quaaludes made him stumble, and booze just made him cry,
Till he heard of a cat named Baba Fats who knew of the perfect high.

Now, Baba Fats was a hermit cat who lived up in Nepal,
High on a craggy mountaintop, up a sheer and icy wall.
"But hell," says Roy, "I'm a healthy boy, and I'll crawl or climb or fly,
But I'll find that guru who'll give me the clue as to what's the perfect high."
So out and off goes Gimmesome Roy to the land that knows no time,
Up a trail no man could conquer to a cliff no man could climb.
For fourteen years he tries that cliff, then back down again he slides
Then sits -- and cries -- and climbs again, pursuing the perfect high.
He's grinding his teeth, he's coughing blood, he's aching and shaking and weak,
As starving and sore and bleeding and tore, he reaches the mountain peak.
And his eyes blink red like a snow-blind wolf, and he snarls the snarl of a rat,
As there in perfect repose and wearing no clothes -- sits the godlike Baba Fats.

"What's happening, Fats?" says Roy with joy, "I've come to state my biz.
I hear you're hip to the perfect trip. Please tell me what it is.
For you can see," says Roy to he, "that I'm about to die,
So for my last ride, Fats, how can I achieve the perfect high?"
"Well, dog my cats!" says Baba Fats. "here's one more burnt-out soul,
Who's looking for some alchemist to turn his trip to gold.
But you won't find it in no dealer's stash, or on no druggist's shelf.
Son, if you would seek the perfect high -- find it in yourself."

"Why, you jive motherfucker!" screamed Gimmesome Roy, "I've climbed through rain and sleet,
I've lost three fingers off my hands and four toes off my feet!
I've braved the lair of the polar bear and tasted the maggot's kiss.
Now, you tell me the high is in myself. What kind of shit is this?
My ears 'fore they froze off," says Roy, "had heard all kind of crap,
But I didn't climb for fourteen years to listen to that sophomore rap.
And I didn't crawl up here to hear that the high is on the natch,
So you tell me where the real stuff is or I'll kill your guru ass!"

"Ok, OK," says Baba Fats, "you're forcing it out of me.
There is a land beyond the sun that's known as Zaboli.
A wretched land of stone and sand where snakes and buzzards scream,
And in this devil's garden blooms the mystic Tzu-Tzu tree.
And every ten years it blooms one flower as white as the Key West sky,
And he who eats of the Tzu-Tzu flower will know the perfect high.
For the rush comes on like a tidal wave and it hits like the blazing sun.
And the high, it lasts a lifetime and the down don't ever come.
But the Zaboli land is ruled by a giant who stands twelve cubits high.
With eyes of red in his hundred heads, he waits for the passers-by.
And you must slay the red-eyed giant, and swim the River of Slime,
Where the mucous beasts, they wait to feast on those who journey by.
And if you survive the giant and the beasts and swim that slimy sea,
There's a blood-drinking witch who sharpens her teeth as she guards that Tzu-Tzu tree."
"To hell with your witches and giants," laughs Roy. "To hell with the beasts of the sea.
As long as the Tzu-Tzu flower blooms, some hope still blooms for me."
And with tears of joy in his snow-blind eye, Roy hands the guru a five,
Then back down the icy mountain he crawls, pursuing that perfect high.

"Well, that is that," says Baba Fats, sitting back down on his stone,
Facing another thousand years of talking to God alone.
"It seems, Lord", says Fats, "it's always the same, old men or bright-eyed youth,
It's always easier to sell them some shit than it is to give them the truth."

Thursday, April 14, 2005

They really are slimy bastards

And now I can prove it:


NEW YORK (Reuters) - U.S. President George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld can now also be called bushi, cheneyi and rumsfeldi, or simply slime-mold beetles.

Two former Cornell University entomologists named three species in the genus Agathidium after the U.S. leaders, Cornell announced on Wednesday.

It's mildly funny, but I found some better instances of humorous biological nomenclature in Entymology (funny names for things).


Aegrotocatellus Adrian and Edgecombe, 1995 (trilobite) Latin for "sick puppy".
Boselaphus tragocamelus (Pallas) (nilgai, an Indian antelope) This translates to "ox-deer goat-camel"
Brachyanax thelestrephones Evenhuis, 1981 (fly) The name translates from Greek to "little chief nipple twister".
Dziwneono etcetera Dworakowska, 1972 (leafhopper) "Dziwneono" is Polish for "it is strange."
Eucritta melanolimnetes Clack, 1998 (fossil amphibian) Loosely translates as "Creature from the black lagoon"
Lycoperdon (puffball) Literally, "wolf-fart".
Vampyroteuthis infernalis Chun, 1903 (squid relative) "Vampire squid from Hell".
Strigiphilus garylarsoni Clayton, ~1989 (owl louse) "I considered this an extreme honor. Besides, I knew no one was going to write and ask to name a new species of swan after me. You have to grab these opportunities when they come along." - Gary Larson
Montypythonoides riversleighensis Smith & Plane, 1985 (fossil snake)
Baeturia laureli and B. hardyi de Boer, 1996 (cicadas)
Sula abbotti costelloi Steadman, Schubel & Pahlavan, 1988 (a subspecies of Abbot's booby, recently extinct)
Funkotriplogynium iagobadius Seeman & Walter, 1997 (mite) from Iago, "James" and badius, "brown," named after James Brown, the King of Funk.
Mackenziurus johnnyi, M. joeyi, M. deedeei, M. ceejayi Adrian and Edgecombe, 1997 (trilobites) Named after the Ramones.
Metallichneumon neurospatarchus Sime and Wahl, 2002 (ichneumonid wasp) "Neurospatarchus" translates as "Master of Puppets," which is the seminal album by the thrash metal band Metallica. The name refers to the larval ichneumonid's manipulation of its host insect.
Villa manillae Evenhuis, 1993 (bee fly) Inspired by Millie Vanillie. [Idesia 12:19]
Maxillaria gorbatchowii (Bolivian orchid) Named after Mikhail Gorbachev.
Mandelia Valdes & Gosliner, 1999 (sea slug) in honor of Nelson Mandela, who led the struggle for multiracial government in South Africa.
Fiordichthys slartibartfasti Paulin, 1995 (triple-fin blenny) Named for Hitchhiker's Guide character Slartibartfast, who is noted for designing fjords.
Erechthias beeblebroxi Robinson & Nelson, 1993 (tineid) with a false head; after Zaphod Beeblebrox, two-headed character from Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

What did that banner say?

As of Tuesday, April 12, 2005, at least 1,546 members of the U.S. military have died since the beginning of the Iraq war in March 2003, according to an Associated Press count. At least 1,176 died as a result of hostile action, according to the Defense Department. The figures include four military civilians.

The AP count is one higher than the Defense Department's tally, last updated at 10 a.m. EDT Tuesday.

The British military has reported 86 deaths; Italy, 21; Ukraine, 18; Poland, 17 (Don't forget Poland!); Spain, 11; Bulgaria, eight; Slovakia, three; Estonia, Thailand and the Netherlands, two each; and Denmark, El Salvador, Hungary, Kazakhstan and Latvia one death each.

Since May 1, 2003, when President Chimpy McFlightsuit declared that major combat operations in Iraq had ended, 1,408 U.S. military members have died, according to AP's count. That includes at least 1,067 deaths resulting from hostile action, according to the military's numbers.


It averages out to a little over 4 deaths a day. Oh yeah, Mission Accomplished.

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Monday, April 11, 2005

White gold, Denver tea..... snow!!

Yeah, it's pretty crappy here. I didn't take any pictures of my own, because there was no way in hell I was leaving the house (17.5 inches of snow in 12 hours), so here's some articles for you.

My Way News
The Denver Post
Rocky Mountain News

And some pics for you:

2005 Blizzard - 9 News Photos
Dogs of Blizzard 2K5 (Slow news day?)

For those of you new to the Denver area, let me explain our seasons to you.

November, December, March and April are our winter months.
January, February and May are our Spring months.
June, July, August and September are summer.
October is autumn.

It's kinda screwy, but you get used to it. And if you don't believe me when I say Colorado weather is weird, here's the weather we've had since last Wednesday:

Thursday   -   Upper 60's
Friday      -     Lower 70's
Saturday   -   Mid 60's
Sunday      -   Woke up at 7:30 am to 14 inches of snow.
Monday      -   17.5 inches of snow, clear skies
Tuesday      -   High is the 60's
Wednesday   -   High in the 70's

The down side to this is we NEVER get work closures. Even if there's five feet of snow on the ground at 8 AM, it will melt off by noon. Which is why I am severly unmotivated today at work....

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Fuck Best Buy and Baltimorons

Just another reason that I refuse to shop at this stupid store. Nothing but morons and social rejects working there.


Put yourself in Mike Bolesta's place. On the morning of Feb. 20, he buys a new radio-CD player for his 17-year-old son Christopher's car. He pays the $114 installation charge with 57 crisp new $2 bills, which, when last observed, were still considered legitimate currency in the United States proper. The $2 bills are Bolesta's idea of payment, and his little comic protest, too.

For this, Bolesta, Baltimore County resident, innocent citizen, owner of Capital City Student Tours, finds himself under arrest.

Finds himself, in front of a store full of customers at the Best Buy on York Road in Lutherville, locked into handcuffs and leg irons.

Finds himself transported to the Baltimore County lockup in Cockeysville, where he's handcuffed to a pole for three hours while the U.S. Secret Service is called into the case.

Have a nice day, Mike.

"Humiliating," the 57-year old Bolesta was saying now. "I am 6 feet 5 inches tall, and I felt like 8 inches high. To be handcuffed, to have all those people looking on, to be cuffed to a pole -- and to know you haven't done anything wrong. And me, with a brother, Joe, who spent 33 years on the city police force. It was humiliating."

What we have here, besides humiliation, is a sense of caution resulting in screw-ups all around.

"When I bought the stereo player," Bolesta explains, "the technician said it'd fit perfectly into my son's dashboard. But it didn't. So they called back and said they had another model that would fit perfectly, and it was cheaper. We got a $67 refund, which was fine. As long as it fit, that's all.

"So we go back and pay for it, and they tell us to go around front with our receipt and pick up the difference in the cost. I ask about installation charges. They said, 'No installation charge, because of the mix-up. Our mistake, no charge.' Swell.

"But then, the next day, I get a call at home. They're telling me, 'If you don't come in and pay the installation fee, we're calling the police.' Jeez, where did we go from them admitting a mistake to suddenly calling the police? So I say, 'Fine, I'll be in tomorrow.' But, overnight, I'm starting to steam a little. It's not the money -- it's the threat. So I thought, I'll count out a few $2 bills."

He has lots and lots of them.

With his Capital City Student Tours, he arranges class trips for school kids around the country traveling to large East Coast cities, including Baltimore. He's been doing this for the last 18 years. He makes all the arrangements: hotels, meals, entertainment. And it's part of his schtick that, when Bolesta hands out meal money to students, he does it in $2 bills, which he picks up from his regular bank, Sun Trust.

"The kids don't see that many $2 bills, so they think this is the greatest thing in the world," Bolesta says. "They don't want to spend 'em. They want to save 'em. I've been doing this since I started the company. So I'm thinking, 'I'll stage my little comic protest. I'll pay the $114 with $2 bills.'"

At Best Buy, they may have perceived the protest -- but did not sense the comic aspect of 57 $2 bills.

"I'm just here to pay the bill," Bolesta says he told a cashier. "She looked at the $2 bills and told me, 'I don't have to take these if I don't want to.' I said, 'If you don't, I'm leaving. I've tried to pay my bill twice. You don't want these bills, you can sue me.' So she took the money. Like she's doing me a favor."

He remembers the cashier marking each bill with a pen. Then other store personnel began to gather, a few of them asking, "Are these real?"

"Of course they are," Bolesta said. "They're legal tender."

A Best Buy manager refused comment last week. But, according to a Baltimore County police arrest report, suspicions were roused when an employee noticed some smearing of ink. So the cops were called in. One officer noticed the bills ran in sequential order.

"I told them, 'I'm a tour operator. I've got thousands of these bills. I get them from my bank. You got a problem, call the bank,'" Bolesta says. "I'm sitting there in a chair. The store's full of people watching this. All of a sudden, he's standing me up and handcuffing me behind my back, telling me, 'We have to do this until we get it straightened out.'

"Meanwhile, everybody's looking at me. I've lived here 18 years. I'm hoping my kids don't walk in and see this. And I'm saying, 'I can't believe you're doing this. I'm paying with legal American money.'"

Bolesta was then taken to the county police lockup in Cockeysville, where he sat handcuffed to a pole and in leg irons while the Secret Service was called in.

"At this point," he says, "I'm a mass murderer."

Finally, Secret Service agent Leigh Turner arrived, examined the bills and said they were legitimate, adding, according to the police report, "Sometimes ink on money can smear."

This will be important news to all concerned.

For Baltimore County police, said spokesman Bill Toohey, "It's a sign that we're all a little nervous in the post-9/11 world." (Yes, because if we use $2 bills, Al Qaeda wins!! BULLSHIT. Stop blaming everything on 9/11. No one flew a $2 bill into the World Trade Center.)

The other day, one of Bolesta's sons needed a few bucks. Bolesta pulled out his wallet and "whipped out a couple of $2 bills. But my son turned away. He said he doesn't want 'em any more."

He's seen where such money can lead.

RE-TAR-DED. Thank Bob I can go to Twist & Shout, Wax Trax or Angelo's for my music. Best Buy is right behind Wal-Mart on the list of stores I refuse to frequent. Fuck you, Best Buy. Fuck your overpriced items, fuck your worthless sales staff (damn computer techs don't even know the difference between a CPU fan, and a heat-sync fan), and fuck your "post 9/11 hysteria."

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Links and links and links!

Now that I have the Mozilla Firefox extention StumbleUpon, I've been finding some great links. Too many not to share. So, once a week, I'll post up the cream of the crop for everyone.


New Invention Allows Humans To Live Forever:
How does this amazing device work? "By wearing the Eternal Life Device, you should immediately experience a very powerful energy flowing in your body. What is the reason? What I believe is that the small finger or the toes are the transistor of the entire body. Your body acts like a transistor. A transistor is a switch used in electronics. One gate, which induces a small amount of energy, opens or closes a larger flowing energy. So there is a way for us to use a little bit of energy to control a larger amount of energy."


Keyboard Scrabble:

Tha Shizzolator:
Translate any webpage into da Snoopspeak 'n shit. Know what I'm sayin?

Blind Spots:
Find out exactly where your blind spot is, and learn about other cool optical tricks. If you follow any link, go to this one. More cool information on the brain and behavior can be found here.

Charles Darwin - The Origin of Species:
On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life. Go read it, churchies. It's not just about humans and apes.

Item Tracking:
Bookcrossing: Take an old book, register it on this site and get an ID #, then release it into the wild. If you wind a book with an ID, check to see who released it. Bookworms unite.
Where's George?: Ever find a bill with stamped or written on it? I've come across a few before. Go to this site, and see where it came from. Or register the bills you have in your wallet, scribble the URL on them, and periodically check back to see what strip clubs your cash makes it to (3/4 of all $100 bills are circulating outside of the US, so there's a good chance you might get some Colombian drug money).
Phototag: Same idea as the above sites, but this one is for disposable cameras. They have some weird animal system that they use for naming and tracking the cameras. They also have a spotty return record. 47 releases since September, 2000 and only 7 returns.
GeoCaching: Got a GPS? Play an updated version of hide-and-seek. There's quite a few active caches in Colorado. Maybe I'll go pick up a GPS.

Have fun link jumping!

Friday, April 01, 2005

Update the death toll

Pope dead
Frank Perdue dead (It takes a virile man to inseminate a chicken)
Mitch Hedberg finally confirmed dead (there were rumors that it was a Kaufman-esque April Fool's joke, but it turned out to be heroin.)
US Intelligence About Iraqi WMD Dead Wrong (big surprise there).

What a fucking week.... Da Pope-ah, Mitch Hedberg, Terri Schiavo, Frank Perdue, Johnny Cochran, thousands of seal cubs, thousands in Thailand (1 earthquake the day after Christmas, another one the day after Easter. Eerie), US Intelligence (America has FIFTEEN spy agencies?!?! FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, DEA... what are the rest??)

The Gods must be seriously pissed. Glad I'm an Agnostic. Jesus didn't die for MY sins.

How to poop at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

I hope this benefits some of you. Wash your damn hands, you filthy monkeys.
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