Thursday, March 31, 2005

Death Trifecta

Man, they're dropping like flies.

Johnny Cochran - DEAD
Terri Schiavo - DEAD
Mitch Hedberg - DEAD

I was waiting for Terri to go (I could deliver some DRY humor - yes, I'm a prick - but I'll just send you to her blog instead.), but the other two surprised me. I was never a fan of Johnny "If Chewbacca is from Endor, you must acquit" Cochran (He got O.J. off, he got P. Diddy off, he tried to prosecute comedian Lenny Bruce on obscenity charges and he represented Rosa Parks in the lawsuit launched against OutKast and their label, LaFace Records); he was just another money-grubbing ambulance-chaser, so I'm not going to pretend that I am sorry to see him go. Same for Mitch Hedberg. I never liked his comedy, the one-liners and deadpan schtick is better when it comes from Steven Wright, but Mitch made people laugh, and the world needs a clown.

Now CNN is reporting that the pope-ah has a high fever and is probably going to shuffle off this mortal coil pretty soon. Can't say that I'm upset about that one either. It'd be a double bonus if he and the "honorable" Jerry Falwell died on the same day. Two shit-birds with one stone, you might say. By the way, God... while you're snatching people up, can you PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE take Rush Limbaugh? Let him OD on OxyContin or something. Out of all the people on this list, he deserves to go most of all. Fucking sanctimonious prick.

While we're on the subject of death, how long do you think it will be before some loony NeoCon nutjob decides to take out Michael Schaivo? I'm sure he's had quite a few threats against his life already. He should be happy that Eric Rudolph is already locked away.

Isn't it strange that Republicans support you for the 9 months that you're in the womb, the 15 years you spend as a brain-dead Mr. Potato Head, and if you have a terminal ilness, but they don't care about you otherwise? I guess life begins at conception, and ends at 9 months.

Let the hate mail roll in.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

A clubbin' we will go

Is this the Canadian version of "Whacking Day?"

(Bloody Link)

Thousands of hunters armed with clubs, rifles and spears have begun the world's largest seal cull on the ice floes off eastern Canada.

Turning the ice red with blood, they killed hundreds of pups during the first day of the annual harp seal hunt.

The cull, which has been the target of protests since the 1960s, will mean the slaughter of up to 320,000 young seals on the floes and islands around Quebec's les de la Madeleine in the Gulf of St Lawrence.

"It's just horrific out there," said Rebecca Aldworth of the Humane Society of the United States. "There is blood all across the ice and seal carcasses as far as the eye can see. We've seen seals that were moving around and breathing, that have been left in these piles, some left conscious and crawling."

Animal rights campaigners, who claim the pups are often skinned alive, have begun a boycott of Canadian seafood products and are planning protests until the end of the cull on 15 May.

Despite an import ban imposed in the United States and the European Union, a growth in demand for seal pelts from eastern Europe and China led the Canadian government to issue a quota in 2003 that allows hunters to kill 975,000 seals over three years.

Canada says the seal population is "healthy and abundant" and three times the size it was in the Seventies.


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*whack* Bad seal! *whack* Bad seal! *whackwhackwhack*

Monday, March 28, 2005

Part 2...

The U.S. Geological Service is reporting an 8.5 magnitude earthquake near Sumatra. Apparently this occurred on the same faultline as the December 2004 earthquake. No reports on tsunamis as of yet, but CNN doesn't even have a full story, and the USGS website is blank as well.

Early insensitivity reports by The Cunning Linguist estimate 100,000 dead or missing. Stay tuned....

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I now have a name for them.

Bush-bot (n):

A Bush-bot is defined as a person who believes the most important thing in politics is to elect Republicans and hates anyone who believes otherwise.

A Bush-bot will defend his/her chosen one(s) to the death, right or wrong, regardless of any evidence to the contrary of the chosen one's position, simply because the chosen one's surname is followed by an "(R)".

Bush-bots do not blink at sacrificing principle, they will champion a leftist Republican rather than a conservative Republican in the interest of a short-term political win.

Their most common fallback is to namecall - "fringer", "purist", "extremist" and "activist" are frequently used. Bush-bots view any disagreement with anything they believe or dissent of any kind as anti-American. Bush-bots are akin to liberal Democrats except that liberal Democrats aren't as deceptive about what they stand for.

If the above has at all angered you in a personal way, you may be a Bush-bot. As a preventative measure, read the Constitution of the United States.

If any of the above has reinforced in your mind the belief that "anyone who voted for someone other than George W. Bush in 2004 hates America, is endangering its security and/or could be responsible killing my children and grandchildren", you are a full-blown Bush-bot.

You may also be a Bush-bot if:

* You blame Clinton for 9/11
* You have used the "Well, Clinton got a blowjob" argument to defend any Republican, their actions or ethics
* You blame Clinton for anything after 2002
* You play the "Clinton card" when arguing with people who don't agree with you
* You think the reason we went to war in Iraq was to liberate a country from a brutal dictator
* You think Iraq had ties to Al-Qadea
* You have at least one magnetic ribbon that says "Support Our Troops" on your SUV
* You think that there is still a liberal media bias
* You think Dubya dutifully served his time in the National Guard and received no favoritism
* Conversely, you believed the Swift Boat Veteran's attacks on John Kerry

There are many, many other indications that you may be a Bush-bot that are not listed here.

As of yet there is no cure for acute Bush-botism. However, the severity of the symptoms may lessen with generous doses of tolerance, humility, wisdom and conscience.

/Props to WalkingCarpet for this.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Once again, an invisible man in the sky trumps common sense.

Some IMAX theaters not screening volcanoes flick

CHARLESTON, S.C. (AP) -- The IMAX theater in Charleston and several others in the South have passed on showing a science film on volcanoes because of concerns it might offend those with fundamental religious beliefs (emphasis mine).

"We've got to pick a film that's going to sell in our area. If it's not going to sell, we're not going to take it," said Lisa Buzzelli, director of the local IMAX theater. "Many people here believe in creationism, not evolution."

Buzzelli said while the Charleston theater doesn't rule out showing "Volcanoes of the Deep Sea" in the future, she considers people's religious views when showing films.

The film makes a connection between human DNA and microbes inside undersea volcanoes. Buzzelli said the handling of evolution was considered in her decision.

IMAX theaters in Texas, Georgia and the Carolinas have declined to show the film, said Pietro Serapiglia who handles distribution for Stephen Low, the film's director and producer who is from Montreal.

"I find it's only in the South," Serapiglia said.

Some people worry screening out such films will discourage filmmakers from making others in the future.

"It's going to restrain the creative approach by directors who refer to evolution," said Joe DeAmicis, vice president for marketing at the California Science Center in Los Angeles and a former director of an IMAX theater. "References to evolution will be dropped."

The IMAX Theatre in Myrtle Beach also decided against showing the film. The theater's director, Jerry Lennard, would not comment.

Some IMAX theaters are connected to science centers. Charleston's is next to the South Carolina Aquarium but has no formal relationship with the aquarium.

Whit McMillan, the aquarium's director of education, said while evolution is taught there, he didn't see a problem with the IMAX decision.

"They're a for-profit theater," he said. "It's basically none of my business."

So what they're saying is "We're not going to show something that might educate people, because we're afraid of the backlash from redneck Christian fundies." Super, let's stick pour heads in the sand a little deeper. More and more, southerners remind me of The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (42!!). The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast is so mind-bogglingly stupid that it thinks that if you can't see it, it can't see you. Therefore, the best defense against a Bugblatter Beast is to wrap a towel around your head.

Churchies are so afraid of anything that might compromise their precious holy book, that they will do whatever they can to keep themselves in the 18th century. Facts? Who needs facts, irrefutable proof of life before 10,000 years ago, scientific evidence and pesky little things like carbon and radon testing? They're all tools of the DEVIL!

For Christ's sake (and I really do mean that), it's a GODDAMN MOVIE!!! ABOUT VOLCANOES!!! I love IMAX movies, and it really saddens me that they would sink to this level. Education isn't about learning anymore, it's about money, just like everything else. Time to write another pissy letter. And to the people who live in the south who are sick of me ragging on them... Perhaps you should consider moving to a part of the country where your shoe size and IQ isn't interchangable (translated into redneck-ese: Move outta yer state if'n ya wants ta get some more smerts. Get 'er done!!!)

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

The only nuts are the administrators

School To Go Nut-Free Because Of Student's Severe Allergy
Officials Hope Students, Parents Will Voluntarily Comply With Ban


MEDINA COUNTY, Ohio -- Students across Ohio are finding out what lunch is like without the classic peanut butter and jelly sandwich, as school districts try to make accommodations for the growing numbers of students with food allergies.

NewsChannel5's Debora Lee reported on a Medina County school where nut products are being banned because of a student with a severe allergy.

Buckeye Local School District Superintendent Craig Bailey is trying to make Litchfield Elementary School nut-free because they cause life-threatening allergic reactions for one of the students.

"Under law, we have the responsibility to do what we can to ensure the child's safety in our building," said Bailey.

There are no plans to discipline students who ignore the ban, but Bailey hopes everyone will voluntarily leave the peanut butter at home.

The ban will go into effect next month when the Litchfield students return from spring break.

Bailey also says the ban will likely follow the student into junior high and high school.

Ahhhh#@!$#@! My head ASPLODE!! This is just so fucking stupid, it makes Terry Schiavo look like Stephen Hawking. Let's ban something for 99.9% of the population because it might disrupt the life of .1% of the population. Here's an even better idea. Know what your allergies are, and stay the hell away from things that might kill you. That's why they put warnings on every single food product that was packaged in a facility where nuts are stored. Now you're going to ban PB&J's through HIGH SCHOOL?!?

Christ on crutches. I'm honestly wondering if these people made the story up, or accidentally quoted a story fromThe Onion. If this is real, pray for us all.....

Monday, March 21, 2005

Bush Mail

What is in Dubya's MSN Mailbox?

Click here to find out.

Friday, March 18, 2005

It's finger-ricking good!

KFC pulls two items from its Chinese menu


KFC outlets in China have apologized to customers and stopped selling "New Orleans" flavor roast chicken wings and chicken burgers after finding a seasoning used in the products contains an industrial dye linked to cancer.

"We feel deeply sorry for this food safety accident and promise it will never happen again," Yum Brands Inc., parent company of KFC, said in a statement received Thursday.

Yum, based in Louisville, Kentucky, did not name the supplier of the contaminated seasoning, which it said contains Sudan I, a red dye used for coloring oils, waxes, petrol and shoe polish that has been linked to cancer.

Mmmm! Tasty! I especially like the Kiwi brand shoe polish, it has a richer texture, and a smoother aftertaste. Speaking of gasoline and other chemicals, it seems that inhalant use is on the rise among teenagers. I wonder why that could be?

Inhalant Abuse Increasing Among U.S. Teens


WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Over a million American teenagers intentionally inhale the vapors of common household products like hairspray, shoe polish and glue each year and the number is rising, government officials said on Thursday.

Kicking off a week of activities designed to alert parents and children to the dangers posed by inhalants, White House drug czar John Walters said recent trends were unacceptable.

"As drug use overall has gone down in this country, we have had an increase in inhalant use," Walters said.

Inhalants commonly sniffed, or "huffed," by children as young as eight include gasoline and lighter fluid, spray paints, cleaning fluids, paint thinners and other solvents, degreasers, correction fluids, hair sprays and odorizers.

"These substances are everywhere in our lives. We have almost 23 million people who have abused inhalants in their lifetimes. The problem is pervasive," said Westley Clark, director of the center for substance abuse at the Department of Health and Human Services.

Jessie, a 17-year-old from Indianapolis, said she became hooked by sniffing the helium used to fill balloons for weddings and parties.

"They told me, stay away from cocaine, stay away from heroin. They never said stay away from inhalants," she said at a news conference with Walters.

Jeanette Smith, whose 17-year-old son, Jimmy, died last year after inhaling butane, said, "He didn't know it could kill him and we didn't know he was huffing."

Good thing we spend all this money, time, effort and manpower fighting the War on Drugs. Looks like it's going about as well as the War on Terror. Anything else you'd like to declare war on?

This just goes to show that no matter what you outlaw, no matter how many substances you make illegal, people are still going to find a way to get high. Look at Prohibition. Alcohol was banned, and a shit-ton (yes, that's an actual number) of people died from drinking bathtub gin, and blindness-inducing moonshine. If all drugs are made illegal, people will huff gasoline. If you make gasoline illegal (hah!), people will just start playing the blackout game (cutting off oxygen to your brain isn't harmfuflasla#!$#). Just STFU and let people do what they want to do.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

This stupid fucking administration...

WASHINGTON - Iraq needed fuel. Halliburton Co. was ordered to get it there — quick. So the Houston-based contractor charged the Pentagon $27.5 million(!!!!!) to ship $82,100 worth of cooking and heating fuel.

In the latest revelation about the company's oft-criticized performance in Iraq, a Pentagon audit report disclosed Monday showed Halliburton subsidiary KBR spent $82,100 to buy liquefied petroleum gas, better-known as LPG, in Kuwait and then 335 times that number to transport the fuel into violence-ridden Iraq.

Pentagon auditors combing through the company's books were mystified by this charge.

"It is illogical that it would cost $27,514,833 to deliver $82,100 in LPG fuel," officials from the Defense Contract Audit Agency noted in the report.

The portions of the audit report released Monday did not specify exactly how much fuel was involved in this billing.

(Rest of article here)

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Art and nature must die!!!

CDOT Fells the "Peace Tree"

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The "Peace Tree" was cut down Monday by the Colorado Department of Transportation, but it may be headed for Estes Park or an Internet auction block.

Paul Sterling said crews showed up about 9:30 a.m. and brought the 13-foot-tall tree to the ground. Sterling had perched on top of the tree all day Thursday, Friday and Sunday in hopes of preventing its demise.

"I'm very tired, but mostly I'm very disappointed," Sterling said.

Sterling had hired a chain saw artist last month to put a peace sign and the words "Peace Tree" on two sides of the tree. The tree stood near U.S. 34 and on Sterling's property in Big Thompson Canyon.

Sterling said he wanted the tree to remain standing to brighten up the canyon for motorists. But CDOT said Sterling did his work without proper authorization and that it could pose a traffic hazard.

"I really don't think a lot of workers who showed up wanted to cut it down," Sterling said. "But I think they were trapped by rules."

Sterling will ask the Estes Park Town Board tonight to adopt the tree for placement somewhere in town. If that fails, Sterling said, he wants to put it on the Internet auction site eBay.

He thinks the tree's message will attract buyers.

"It's hard to explain how excited people were by the tree," said Sterling, who put in eight hours a day sitting on its top. "People waved and smiled and beeped their horns.

"It was a great way to connect to them."

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Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Damn, I'm pretty fucked up.

...And an asshole to boot. Thanks to Kirk for the link. Now if you will excuse me, apparently I have some serious issues that need to be worked out.

Paranoid:Very High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Police return pot, apologise to smoker.

Pot Smoker Gets Apology From Police


DENVER -- A man who was stopped by Debnver (sic) police and his marijuana confiscated received an apology recently because that man was allowed to smoke the pot for medicinal purposes.

Thomas Lawrence is among the first to take advantage of Colorado's law that allows marijuana to be used like a prescription drug.

Lawrence, who has chronic back pain and rheumatoid arthritis got his marijuana back along with an apology from police.

"It's more of a victory for the people who actually voted for it, and the rest of the patients to know that the law actually worked. They don't have to be as concerned about what's gonna happen if a cop pulls them over. Tell them you're a patient, show them your ID, show them your permit," said Lawrence.

His case was a first for Denver officers.

"This is the first time that drugs have been released to anyone," by the Denver Police Department, Detective Teresa Garcia said last week.

Because marijuana possession is illegal, except in this case, officers suggest medical marijuana users keep their permit with them at all times.

Good! The whole reason I haven't tried to get my medicinal marijuana card is because people were getting arrested with or without them, and the CBI was actually using the list to bust potential growers. I'm glad the DPD was forced to make a public apology about it, too.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Iraqi checkpoints

A good article about who Iraqi checkpoints are like for both sides, and the reason that so many innocent people get shot *coughItalianJournalistcough*. Don't discount the story because it's in the Christian Science Monitor. They tend to have a pretty unbiased viewpoint (amazing what happens when you don't rely on ad revenue from large corporations), and they did a great job with this.


As an American journalist here, I have been through many checkpoints and have come close to being shot at several times myself. I look vaguely Middle Eastern, which perhaps makes my checkpoint experience a little closer to that of the typical Iraqi. Here's what it's like.

You're driving along and you see a couple of soldiers standing by the side of the road - but that's a pretty ubiquitous sight in Baghdad, so you don't think anything of it. Next thing you know, soldiers are screaming at you, pointing their rifles and swiveling tank guns in your direction, and you didn't even know it was a checkpoint.

If it's confusing for me - and I'm an American - what is it like for Iraqis who don't speak English?

In situations like this, I've often had Iraqi drivers who step on the gas. It's a natural reaction: Angry soldiers are screaming at you in a language you don't understand, and you think they're saying "get out of here," and you're terrified to boot, so you try to drive your way out.

Fear of insurgents and kidnappers are another reason for accelerating, and in that scenario, speeding up and getting away could save your life. Many Iraqis know somebody who's been shot at on the road, and a lot of people survived only because they stepped on the gas....

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