Saturday, February 26, 2005

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

It's official. Republicans have no original ideas, and are not funny in any way, shape or form. This is borderline embarrasing.


Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Help our Hockey Players!


We must come together to overcome a tremendous injustice and suffering thrust upon innocent young men. Hundreds of Professional Hockey players in our very own nation are locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation.

But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NHL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a Hockey Player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise.

For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a hockey player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.


Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.


Your NHL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.


I would like to sponsor a locked out NHL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Forward [ ] Defenseman [ ] Goaltender [ ] Entire team

(Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $10 per minute)

Jaromir Jagr (Higher cost: $32,000 per day)

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the duration of the lockout.

Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Jaromir Jagr 2001 Income Statement and my very own Bob Goodenow (Executive Director of the NHLPA player's Union) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

# Your Name: _______________________
# Telephone Number: _______________________
# Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
# [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
# Signature: _______________________

# Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
# Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
# [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
# Signature: _______________________

Now, kiss and make up, you whiney, overpaid bitches.

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Sunday, February 20, 2005

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

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Author Hunter S. Thompson just committed suicide in Aspen, CO. The news hit the wire 4 minutes ago, and Wikipedia already has their page update. Amazing.

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"We cannot expect people to have respect for law and order until we teach respect to those we have entrusted to enforce those laws."

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

You may already be a winner!

Check your quarters before you put them into a pop machine. Because a $.50 Pepsi could be worth $1,200.00.

Flawed quarters fetch a pretty penny

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin (AP) -- Some Wisconsin quarters issued last year are turning out to be worth considerably more than 25 cents.

Coin collectors say quarters with two variations in the design of a cornstalk on the back of the coin have been spotted at Tucson, Arizona, and San Antonio, Texas.

Rick Snow, who owns Eagle Eye Rare Coins Inc. in Tucson, said he started paying $50 each for the quarters when he learned of them.

"As soon as word got out about that, the prices escalated," Snow said.

On Monday, he was offering a set of three Wisconsin quarters -- the normal one, one with a leaf marking pointed up and a third with the marking pointed down -- for as much as $1,099. Individual coins with the variations were selling for $500 to $600, depending on condition, he said.

The U.S. Mint, which produced 453 million Wisconsin quarters for its state coin series, is trying to determine how the differences came about.

"Throughout history, there have been some instances of variations -- very, very rare instances," said U.S. Mint spokesman Mike White. "If there is any kind of situation like this, we just take a very close look at the process and all the different steps."

Regular Quarter:

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Stalk facing down:
See how the extra stalk faces down?

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Stalk facing up:
This one isn't as easy to notice.

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I'm running to the bank tonight. I'm sure the Denver mint has pumped out a ton of these, if they're being found in Arizona and Texas. C'mon big money!!

Friday, February 04, 2005

What a total bitch

You know, I really hate living in this state, surrounded by fucking idiots like Wanita Renea Young (two misspelled names? Idiocy must be genetic). I really hope karma comes back to bite this stupid cunt right in her vindictive, withered old ass. This is EXACTLY why people don't do nice things for each other anymore. Being kind is now a punishable offense. And fuck Judge Doug Walker for actually awarding this retard money.

Full story is here, here and here.

Teens' kindness backfires when neighbor wins suit

DURANGO, Colo. - Two teenage girls trying to perform an act of kindness for their neighbors ended up being slapped with a medical bill for $900 after one neighbor suffered an anxiety attack when they knocked on her door at 10:30 at night delivering homemade cookies.

The incident began July 31 when the girls, Taylor Ostergaard, 17, and Lindsey Jo Zellitti, 18, decided to skip a dance and stay home and bake cookies for their neighbors.

The deliveries consisted of a half dozen chocolate chip and sugar cookies accompanied by big hearts cut out of red or pink construction paper with the message: "Have a great night." The notes were signed, "Love, The T and L Club," code for Taylor and Lindsey.

But at one of the nine scattered rural homes south of Durango where they delivered cookies that night, a 49-year-old woman became so terrified by the knocks on her door around 10:30 p.m. that she called the sheriff's department. Deputies determined that no crime had been committed.

But Wanita Renea Young ended up in the hospital emergency room the next day after suffering a severe anxiety attack she thought might be a heart attack.

Here's the kicker:

The girls wrote letters of apology to Young. Taylor's letter, written a few days after the episode, said in part: "I didn't realize this would cause trouble for you. ... I just wanted you to know that someone cared about you and your family."

The families had offered to pay Young's medical bills if she would agree to indemnify the families against future claims.

Young wouldn't sign the agreement. She said the families' apologies rang false and weren't delivered in person. The matter went to court.

Judge Doug Walker on Thursday awarded Young almost $900 to recoup her medical bills.

Taylor's mother, Jill Ostergaard, said her daughter "cried and cried" after Judge Doug Walker handed down his decision in La Plata County Small Claims Court.

"She felt she was being punished for doing something nice," Jill Ostergaard said.

"The victory wasn't sweet," Young said. "I just hope the girls learned a lesson."

Yeah, they sure did. I doubt they'll have the urge to do anything nice for neighbors ever again. Thanks, Wanita. 2 more people, jaded and cynical, because you had to prove a point. They fucking APOLOGISED and offered to pay the medical bills for you! But that wasn't enough. You bitched about people showing up at your door with homemade treats, baked out of kindness, yet you complained when they didn't return to your house to say they were sorry in person.

There's no contest this week. Wanita Renea Young, you get the "Sandy Vagina Award." Also, you have been featured on (and rightfully so, twat.) Do us all a favor, and shoot yourself in the head, so that the rest of the population won't have to deal with your bullshit ever again. For your sake, I hope you're barren, because the last thing we need is your offspring clogging up the filters in the gene pool.

This really, really chaps my ass. It's too bad that I can't find her address, because I would love to send her a copy of this post. Of course, she might have another panic attack and sue me for damages.

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Once again, FUCK YOU, WANITA! Do something productive, like drive the wrong way down I-25. A Darwin Award would be too good for you.


Here is a copy of the letter I sent to Wanita, along with a copy of this post:

Dear Wanita,

I recently heard about the lawsuit that you filed against two teenage girls who attempted to do something nice for their neighbors. After reading it, I felt sick to my stomach. “How”, I wondered, “How could someone be this vindictive and malicious towards a small group of girls who were trying to promote community togetherness?”

In my own opinion, you are a horrible example of a human being, and your utter contempt for these two young women is simply appalling. I hope you sleep well at night, knowing that you have pissed off so many people.

This news story has been picked up by over 60 news outlets across the United States as of 1:00pm Friday. Comments have been made on numerous weblogs (mine included), and you were recently featured on the website, A poll conducted by the Kansas City Star reveals that 96% of the population thinks you are a complete jackass. Not only do you give this wonderful state a bad name, but you have shown that you have absolutely no empathy whatsoever.

Enclosed is a copy of a post found on a weblog, and a package of delicious Famous Amos Brand chocolate chip cookies. I suggest that you consume them, with the hopes that some of their sweetness will balance out the bitterness that dwells within you.

Furthermore, I have also written a letter to Chief Justice Gregory Lyman, asking for the removal of Judge Doug Walker, due to his indescribably stupid decision to fine these young women almost $1000.00 (which they originally OFFERED TO PAY YOU!!)

I hope it makes you happy knowing that you have become somewhat of an internet punching bag, being ridiculed on websites from coast to coast. Perhaps you will realize that you have probably jaded these two young girls, and discouraged them from performing further acts of random kindness in the future.

I am also sending a bit of money to the families of these two women, in the hopes that they will use it to cover some of their court costs.

$900.00 and public humiliation for free cookies? I sure hope it was worth it.

Still shaking my head in bewilderment,

PS: If you are worried about the cookies I sent you being tainted, let me assure you that they are not. Writing a letter expressing my feelings is about as vindictive as I get. Next time someone attempts to extend an olive branch of kindness, TAKE IT. Your neighbors will probably like you a lot more.

War Rationale: Version 10.0

(Link to article...)

Saddam Hussein poses an 'imminent threat' to the American people.

* Version 1.0 - Saddam Hussein is an imminent threat
* Version 1.01 - Saddam Hussein is a gathering threat
* Version 1.02 - Saddam Hussein poses a real and dangerous threat
* Version 1.1 - The smoking gun will be a mushroom cloud
* Version 1.2 - We can't afford to wait
* Version 1.3 - We never said imminent
* Version 1.3.1 - OK, maybe we did say it once or twice
* Version 1.4 - We should have been more precise

Saddam Hussein is ready to use weapons of mass destruction.

* Version 2.1 - Saddam has weapons of mass destruction
* Version 2.2 - Saddam has nuclear weapons
* Version 2.3 - Saddam has biological agents he's never accounted for
* Version 2.3.1 - The trailers are mobile labs for producing chemical weapons
* Version 2.3.2 - Unmanned aircraft are ready to spread Saddam's biological weapons
* Version 2.4 - Saddam's going to make more of all these weapons
* Version 2.5 - We all know where the weapons are
* Version 2.5.1 - Well, Saddam has used weapons of mass destruction
* Version 2.5.2 - Iraq is a big country. We'll find the weapons eventually.
* Version 2.5.3 - Saddam had weapons of mass destruction programs
* Version 2.5.4 - Saddam had "weapons of mass destruction program-related activities"
* Version 2.5.5 - David Kay? Who's David Kay?
* Version 2.6 - It's not about misleading the American people"Saddam Hussein is gone and that's the most important thing

The intelligence is clear.

* Version 3.0 - We based our statements on our available intelligence
* Version 3.1 - Saddam tried to buy uranium ore in Niger
* Version 3.1.2 - Well, that was what the British told us
* Version 3.1.3 - Did we tell you about Joe Wilson's wife?
* Version 3.1.4 - Do you know a good lawyer?
* Version 3.2 - The intelligence is absolutely clear
* Version 3.2.1 - Intelligence is never 100 percent certain
* Version 3.2.2 - We didn't manipulate the intelligence
* Version 3.3 - There was no consensus within the intelligence community
* Version 3.3.1 - We saw the same intelligence the last administration did

Saddam Hussein has deep ties to Al Qaeda.

* Version 4.0 - Saddam has long-standing ties to Al Qaeda
* Version 4.0.1 - You can't distinguish between Saddam and Al Qaeda
* Version 4.0.2 - There is an Al Qaeda terrorist network in Iraq
* Version 4.0.3 - Saddam has provided Al Qaeda with chemical and biological weapons training.
* Version 4.0.4 - Saddam will give his weapons to Al Qaeda
* Version 4.0.5 - Colin Powell: I have not seen smoking-gun, concrete evidence about the connection [between Al Qaeda and Iraq]
* Version 4.0.6 - Vice President Cheney: I still believe there's a connection.
* Version 4.0.7 - CIA Director George Tenet: I told Dick not to say that.

The United Nations just can't handle this.

* Version 5.0 - The UN had 12 years to deal with this
* Version 5.1 - We don't trust the UN to handle this
* Version 5.1.1 - We don't need the UN's help
* Version 5.1.2 - The UN should play a vital, but not central role
* Version 5.1.3 - You there, UN, tell Ayatollah Sistani that elections aren't possible
* Version 5.1.4 - UN, please oversee the election process
* Version 5.1.5 - Pretty please? We'll pay our dues

The war in Iraq won't hurt our efforts in Afghanistan or the hunt for bin Laden.

* Version 6.0 - Iraq won't affect our hunt for bin Laden
* Version 6.1 - Assets have been moved from Afghanistan to Iraq
* Version 6.1.1 - Assets are being returned to Afghanistan
* Version 6.2 - We're mounting a spring offensive against bin Laden
* Version 6.2.1 - We'll catch bin Laden this year
* Version 6.2.2 - We hope to catch bin Laden this year
* Version 6.3 - Even if we catch bin Laden, the threat will still exist.

Mission accomplished.

* Version 7.0 - We won't need hundreds of thousands of troops"that's wildly off the mark
* Version 7.1 - Mission accomplished
* Version 7.1.1 - We'll stay as long as needed and not one day more
* Version 7.1.2 - The troops will be home in six months
* Version 7.1.3 - The Iraqi Army will provide security
* Version 7.1.4 - Where's the Iraqi Army?
* Version 7.1.5 - We've disbanded the Iraqi Army
* Version 7.1.3 - The troops will stay a year and be replaced
* Version 7.2 - We're training the Iraqi army"Iraqification will work
* Version 7.2.1 - We don't need any more American troops
* Version 7.2.2 - Well, maybe we do
* Version 7.2.3 - We're keeping 30,000 more troops on active duty than were authorized
* Version 7.2.4 - We don't know if this increase in troops is a spike or a plateau
* Version 7.2.5 - We're establishing stop loss so troops can't leave
* Version 7.2.6 - The Army is planning multi-year rotations

The cost to the American taxpayer.

* Version 8.0 - Economic advisor Larry Lindsey: The war will cost $200 billion
* Version 8.0.1 - President Bush: You're fired!
* Version 8.1 - The war will pay for itself very quickly
* Version 8.1.1 - Iraqi oil revenue will pay for reconstruction
* Version 8.2 - Our allies will help us
* Version 8.3 - We'll pay for the war through supplementals
* Version 8.3.1 - Congress wouldn't let us put it in the budget
* Version 8.3.2 - Can we please have $87 billion?
* Version 8.3.3 - Well, we really can't calculate what it will cost...
* Version 8.3.4 - Well, maybe we can"$50 billion may be on the low side
* Version 8.3.5 - Ask us after November 2...

Democracy comes to Iraq.

* Version 9.0 - We will be greeted as liberators
* Version 9.0.1 - We'll establish democracy in Iraq
* Version 9.1 - We'll turn this back to the Iraqis quickly
* Version 9.1.1 - President Chalabi will be welcomed with open arms
* Version 9.1.2 - Well, not so fast"we're prohibiting political parties
* Version 9.2 - We have the November 15 agreement"it's unchangeable
* Version 9.2.1 - We will appoint a small governing council
* Version 9.2.2 - Well, maybe a larger one
* Version 9.3 - We don't favor elections
* Version 9.3.1 - Caucuses work in Iowa, why not Iraq?
* Version 9.3.2 - OK fine, we'll have elections
* Version 9.4 - We can't return sovereignty until there is a constitution
* Version 9.4.1 - Never mind, we'll turn over sovereignty first
* Version 9.4.2 - We need to return this to the Iraqis"How about June 30?
* Version 9.4.3 - We're still focused on elections"the ones on November 2

The bottom line.

* Version 10.0 - Trust us. We know what we're doing

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

This is just too funny

Terrorists kidnap G.I. Joe!

I can't believe that CNN, Drudge, AP and so many other sources are still reporting this as "real." Without a doubt, one of the funniest stories of the year (so far).

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) - Iraqi militants claimed in a Web statement Tuesday to have taken an American soldier hostage and threatened to behead him in 72 hours unless the Americans release Iraqi prisoners. The U.S. military said it was investigating, but the claim's authenticity could not be immediately confirmed.

The posting, on a Web site that frequently carried militants' statements, included a photo of what that statement said was an American soldier, wearing desert fatigues and seated on a concrete floor with his hands tied behind his back. The figure in the photo appeared stiff and expressionless, and the photo's authenticity could not be confirmed.

A gun barrel was pointed at his head, and behind him on the wall is a black banner emblazoned with the Islamic profession of faith, "There is no god but God and Muhammad is His prophet."

A U.S. military spokesman in Baghdad, Marine Sgt. Salju K. Thomas, said he had no information on the claim but "we are currently looking into it."

OK, check it out. This is NOT a kidnapped soldier. This is a fucking G.I. JOE!! I was able to tell within 5 seconds of seeing this picture. I used to OWN this action figure; his name is Cody. Need proof that this is a fake? Well, here's a picture for you. Notice that he still has his grenades intact (even terrorists aren't THAT stupid):

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...and here is a picture of the soldier, before he was taken out of the box:

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The following troops have been sent in to rescue him:

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My only question? Why didn't he use his Kung-Fu Grip to escape from Cobra Commander?

Good times, good times. See? Terrorism CAN be funny! I now have a mental image of all these hard-core Islamic fundamentalists, screaming "JIHAD!!" while posing dolls, and making itty-bitty signs to hang behind them. Meanwhile, the American press is going nuts, trying to retract their earlier statements. I just hope the terrorists don't get ahold of a microwave; poor Cody won't stand a chance.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.