Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Jetzt schützt wer das Vaterland?

Tom Ridge to Resign

Please, tell me they're keeping the color chart! How will I know if the Terrorist threat is elevated or high without it?!?! I won't be able to function unless I can wake up to see bright yellow or orange!! OH MY GOD, WHERE'S MY DUCT TAPE?!?!?!?!

(apologies to family members, because my Deutsch is absolute Scheiße...)

*sniff* Fuckin' beautiful.


WASHINGTON — Handing a significant legal victory to gay-rights advocates, a federal appeals court ruled Monday that academic institutions may restrict on-campus recruiting by the military because of the Pentagon (news - web sites)'s policy on gays and lesbians.

The 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals (news - web sites), based in Philadelphia, ruled that a federal law known as the Solomon Amendment infringes on the free-speech rights of schools by allowing the federal government to withhold funds from colleges and universities that deny access to military recruiters.

The preliminary injunction issued in one of four separate lawsuits filed by students and professors at law schools throughout the country found that by threatening to withhold federal funds from schools that do not accommodate military recruiters, the government was compelling them to take part in speech they did not agree with.

"The Solomon Amendment requires law schools to express a message that is incompatible with their educational objectives, and no compelling governmental interest has been shown to deny this freedom," the panel wrote in a 2-1 decision.

The court overturned an opinion by a federal judge in New Jersey who ruled a year ago that law schools must open their doors to military recruiters, even if the Defense Department's refusal to admit openly gay or lesbian individuals to military service offends a school's antidiscrimination policies.

"The court understood that if bigots have a 1st Amendment right to exclude gays, then enlightened institutions have a 1st Amendment right to exclude bigots," said E. Joshua Rosenkranz, lead counsel for the Forum for Academic and Institutional Rights, a coalition of more than 25 law schools — including those at Stanford University, New York University and Georgetown University — that filed suit against the Pentagon in September 2003.

I love that quote. Breaking it down, the guy is basically saying "Look, if you're going to be a close-minded hate-monger and hide behind the Bill of Rights just to deny people the right to be who they are, then we can do the same to you. Suck it, bitches." It reminds me of the Dead Kennedy's song "Nazi Punks, Fuck Off."

It's nice to see a bit of common sense returning to a country that sorely needs it.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Holy Misplaced Wildlife, Batman!

Wow, talk about a strange morning. I went out about 9:30 to grab a coffee and a game of Scrabble (I watched Word Wars last night on the Discovery Times Channel, and now I have a jones to play), and came face to face with something very unexpected. I was close to Hampden Ave (i-285), which is a 6 lane road, and very busy. As I turned the corner in my neighborhood, I noticed something that was out of place. It was a giant freaking deer. WALKING THROUGH THE PARKING LOT OF THE 7-11.

Now, I know when people think Colorado, they naturally assume that it's a Cow Town, and this type of thing happens all the time. But you see, I live right on the outskirts of the Denver Technological Center, which is kind of like a 2nd downtown. This is a major city. Which is probably why it took me a few seconds to process what I was seeing. This deer (I'm not a hunter, but I can safely say that it was a 6 point buck) was trotting down the street, right towards the busy intersection. The first thought that flashed through my head was "I wonder if he escaped from someone's back yard", like he was a pet or something.

After the initial shock of seeing this thing wore off, I saw that a few other people were trying to herd it away from Hampden, but he kept going. So I turned on the flood lights on my jeep, and swung it right in front of him. Layed on the horn, and revved my engine a bit. He turned, and walked right through the drive-thru of the El Chubby's Mexican Resturaunt (I'm sure the guy working there did a double take when he saw that). After about 10 minutes of wrangling, it became apparent that he was dead set on making it across Hampden. So the 3 or 4 other people that were trying to keep this animal from running headlong into the side of someone's sedan, and undoubtably ruining their Thanksgiving weekend, changed plans and stepped out into traffic.

People slowed to a stop (thank God) and shot all of us dirty looks. Those looks quickly changed to wide-eyed surprise as the buck walked calmly across 6 lanes of blacktop, and onto the golf course across the street, pausing in front of each car to stare at the driver. A look that said "Go ahead. Try and hit me. I DARE you." After he made it across the street, and we were sure that he was going to stay on the golf course, we all walked back to our vehicles and had a good laugh about it. But here's where I began to get a bit upset.

I carry my camera EVERYWHERE. I rarely leave the house with it, just because I never know what I will see that day. And, of course, this was the one morning that I didn't have it with me. And I could have taken some great pictures. At one point, the deer was close enough for me to reach out and touch (fearing the inevitible goring, or kick to the solar plexus that would happen if I did, I restrained myself), but how awesome a picture would that have been? A 1000 lb. deer with a full rack on his head, standing next to the drive-thru screen at a fast food resturaunt. That's a once in a lifetime shot. AND I FORGOT MY DAMN CAMERA!@# ARGHH#!@

Anyhow, the deer was safe and I had an interesting story to tell people (incidentally, the girl at Starbucks thought I was quite insane when I told her what I had just done; her actual words to me were "Are you SURE that's what happened?"), so I drove off to get my java fix.

Man, I am bummed that I forgot my camera this morning...

Thursday, November 25, 2004

People who like meth, like my site

Here is a list of the most recent Yahoo and Google searches that have ended up here:

Tijuana dumpster kids pics
Illegals DUI checkpoint
Jerry Seinfeld visits Smithsonian
Ving insanity hunter
Peru's Taco John's
Free Ron Artest (twice!)
Zesty Chicken Commercial (twice!)
"the end of the civilized world" bush "4 more years"
Artest reindeer
Chocolate mescaline cookies.
Meth Smoking Scientologists
Christmas Wish Laughs

I've talked about Artest, and the Zesty Chicken Bowl, but what is up with "Meth Smoking Scientologists" and "Tijuana dumpster kids pics", not to mention "Chocolate mescaline cookies". What the hell kind of site do you think this is, anyway?

A cornucopia of cogitation from a flibbertigibbet

Randomness that has flitted through my head at one point or another during the week. Usually in the shower in the morning, which is where I have most of my ideas and ruminations. Conscious dreaming, perhaps? Or just a hangover? You decide.

I(eye) work for(four) a company that sells gray/grey adaptors/adapters that are(our) packaged in aluminium/aluminum. That sentence makes me realize/realise why people have(half) such a tough time(thyme) learning english.

I have been seeing ads on tv promoting the American Idol special with Kelly, Ruben and Fantasia. Can Disney sue Fox, or Fantasia (the singer) for unlawful use of the name "Fantasia?" If Fox makes money, and if the record company makes money off of Fantasia's music, does Disney get a cut?

Stephen Coonts is the poor man's Tom Clancy, and Dean Koontz is the poor man's Stephen King. The moral of the story is: Even if you are a good writer, if your last name is any variation of Coonts/Koontz, you're going to be overshadowed by someone else.

Does anyone celebrate St. Nicholas Day? When I was a kid, every December 6th I would wake up to find my shoes filled with chocolates, an orange and a note from a parent. When I mention this to people, they look at me like I am insane, and when I tried to do this for my girlfriend, I had to spend 20 minutes trying to convince her that I wasn't making things up. Maybe it's just because of my family's germs. Damn sour krauts. (If you got that, then you're probably a jerry yourself.)

In Germany, St. Nicholas is also known as Klaasbuur, Sunnercla, Burklaas, Bullerklaas, and Rauklas, and in eastern Germany, he is also known as Shaggy Goat, Ash Man and Rider and is more reflective of earlier pagan influences (Norse) that were blended in with the figure of St. Nicholas, when Christianity came to Germany. After the reformation, St. Nicholas's attire began to change, maybe as a reflection of the change from the Roman church, and he started to wear a red suit with fur. His dark-skinned helper is most often known as Knecht Ruprecht. Although he still visits many homes on Dec 5th/6th and leaves candy and gifts in the children's shoes, more recently St. Nicholas has begun showing up on Christmas Eve in Germany and is called Father Christmas.

I got this pre-Christmas holiday, and an Advent Calendar every year that I can remember. I love strange little customs like that, rather than mass-marketed holiday consumerism. But the day I see a "St. Nicholas Day Sale" or worse yet, a "St. Nick's in July", I call it quits.

I ate the hottest buffalo wings I have ever had in my life the other day. It was at a new place by my work called Buffalo Gold. I went there with a few friends, and got 100 wings. 25 Garlic, 25 Carribean Jerk, 25 Spicy BBQ and 25 HOT. The wings were great, all flavors of them (although the Carribean Jerk was a bit weird with beer), but the HOT wings were so damn spicy that I almost passed out. No joke. Not only that, but this was the kind of spice that creeped up on you, and before you know it you're bright red and your insides are melting. My ears kept popping because my sinuses shot open, my throat closed up, I got a massive head rush when I stood up and my legs and hands actually shook. It was fucking awesome.

Spice is my drug of choice. My anti-drug, if you will. I buy jalapenos everytime I go shopping, I am growing jalapenos and habaneros, as well as some scotch bonnet peppers. If it doesn't sear my tastebuds off, then add more Dave's Insanity to it. I have a collection of hot sauces, in fact. My dad got me some great scotch bonnet sauce in St. Lucia or St. Croix that is incredible. I've got the usual assortment of Tabasco, Cholula, Tapatio and Louisiana Hot Sauce, but I really want to get my hands on some of Blair's 2 A.M., 3 A.M. or, if I had the $130, Blair's 6 A.M. Limited Edition. 16,000,000 (yes, sixteen MILLION) on the Scoville scale. For those not aware of what the scoville scale is, here's some info:

A scale developed by Wilbur Scoville in 1912, to measure the heat level in chillies. It was first a subjective taste test, but since, it has been refined by the use of HPLC, the unit is named in honour of its inventor. The test officially measures the pungency level of a given pepper. There are other methods, but the Scoville Scale remains the most widely used and respected. The greater the number of Scoville units, the hotter the pepper. Of course, being a natural product, the heat can vary from pepper to pepper, so this scale is just a guide.

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*The hottest pepper recorded was a Habenero. Pure Capsaicin measures 16,000,000 Scoville units. The original Scoville test asked a panel of tasters to state when an increasingly dilute solution of the pepper no longer burned the mouth. Roughly one part per million of chilli 'heat' rates as 1.5 Scoville units.

The local Fox affiliate here has a 9:00 newscast. Their weatherman predicts the weather by "Futurecast". If the definition of forecast is "To estimate or calculate in advance, especially to predict (weather conditions) by analysis of meteorological data", then why make up a word as redundant as futurecast? Maybe he's been sitting too close to all his electronical equipmentation.

I have come to hate the following catch-phrases and buzz-words with a passion. Unless you are using it in a humorous way, don't ever utter the following words around me:

"Liberal Media" - No such thing, so shut up about it. The Liberal Media is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Cork your complaint-hole. This means Rush, Hannity, Coulter and the rest of you right-wingers. Find a different scapegoat. You already beat this one to death. The media is skewed in both directions, in order to get a balanced story, you have to read more than just the Drudge Report. Stop being so lazy, and visit more than just 1 website. Go back to blaming the Muslims, the Niggers, the Faggots, the Democrats, the French, Bill Clinton and the Feminists. You had a much broader scope with them as the antagonists.

"Michael Moore" - Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've all heard everything about him. He's fat. Confrontational. Liberal. But really, who the fuck cares? If you quit giving him attention, he'll go away. Liberals, take note. Ann Coulter will shrivel up and die if you pretend that she's not there. Seriously. She's already a walking skeleton, if she turned sideways, she would disappear completely. Those kids who threw pies at her the other day weren't attacking her, they were trying to feed her.

"Person of (insert descriptive term here)" - Person of Tolerance is the one that bugs me the most. Just call them a cock, and save some letters, as well as some oxygen. If you use this term, your brain is in short supply anyway.

"Moral Majority" - This is an oxymoron, with an emphasis on moron. The "Moral Majority" are a small faction of zealots and complete nutjobs. There's like, 14 or 15 of them, at best. Keep your distance. Learn to speak in tongues, that's the only way you'll get through to them. Or actually read the bible, and debate with them.

Intolerance of Intolerance" - Being intolerant of intolerance is called PROGRESSION. No liking or respecting a serial murderer doesn't make you a bad person. Hating a hateful person strictly because they are hateful is OK. Judge them. It's fun. They don't have real feelings, anyway. That's what makes them hateful.

"Crime of Passion" - Did you accidentally fall on that hooker with a 8 inch hunting knife? Crime of Passion, my ass. "Can't Control Emotions" is a better, more apt term. Google Ron Artest, Eric and Kyle Menendez and Lorena Bobbit for more information.

"Hate Crime" - when referring to anyone other than a white person getting beaten/shot/stabbed/raped. Is shanking whitey a Love Crime? Or is it a Crime of Passion committed by a Person of Tolerance?

"Terroristic Threats" - when referring to a prank phone call made by a 12 year old, or 2 kids playing cops and robbers at school.

There's an article in the new issue of Scientific American entitled "The Brain's Own Marijuana". It's an interesting article, focusing on endocannabinoids. Regardless of your stance on medical marijuana, you should check it out. There's some really nifty stuff in there. For instance, did you know that marijuana was used to treat people with epilepsy in 15th century Iraq? And that there are up to 60 different cannabinoids that might have medical applications?

I'm glad I grew up during the birth of video games. It's cool to know that I have played every system, from an Atari 2600 to the X-Box, fiddling with everything in between. Even the crappier things like Sega CD, Atari Jaguar (the first 64 bit console!) and old Apple IIe games on a 5 1/4 floppy. Only a select few know what I mean when I say "Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start." Fuck Super Mario Brothers, let's give it up for Joust, Frogger, Pengo, Lemmings, Tron and my personal favorite, Q-Bert. When I play games like Ghost Recon 2, I think back to the days of Pong and Donkey Kong, and I get chills. If you're under the age of 18 or 20, you have no idea what I am talking about.

That's enough for now. Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 22, 2004

Monday retards

I'm sure most of you have heard about the NBA brawl from the other day. In case you haven't, read these articles, or watch the video:

I'm going to beat up the people who support me!
That's right, I am an overpaid waste of human skin!
Video of jackassery

Underskilled, spoiled and immature bitches seen below:

Hi! My name is Ron Artest, and I am a short-tempered Nancy Boy who now makes exactly what I am worth. JACK SHIT.
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This is what started it all.
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The worst part of all is that people have already started hocking shitty merchandise in order to support a quick-tempered, violent and petulant little boy. Yes! Let's all side with this fucktard, give him our support and worship him, because he is a professional ass... er... athlete, and therefore, better than us. In fact, let's all get on our knees, and have him walk past us so we can suck his dick. That's how much we love Ron!

Free Ron Artest Gear
Leave Artest Alone
Artest, the fallen hero (This one sickens me more than the others)

Why do I not feel sorry for anyone? Because of this:

Player Name Salary lost
Ron Artest: $4,995,000
Stephen Jackson: $1,700,000
Jermaine O'Neal: $4,111,000
Ben Wallace: $400,000
Anthony Johnson: $122,222
Reggie Miller: $61,111
Chauncey Billups: $60,611
Derrick Coleman: $50,000
Elden Campbell: $48,888

That means Ronnie will be making only $1,163,000.00 this year. Awwww... My deepest sympathies go out to someone who doesn't have to play for 73 games, yet still makes over 1 million dollars. Hope you didn't buy that fleet of iced out H2's yet. Looks like no Christmas bling for you, dipshit! And if anyone can honestly tell me that they feel this is too harsh a punishment... well, you're an IDIOT. I'd like for you to hunt down the fan that Ron Artest beat the crap out of, and ask him how he feels. No, not the one that threw the beer on Ron, the poor person who dropped 100 bucks to sit 5 rows up from the court, and ended up getting his ass handed to him by a pissy little boy who is better suited to play in the WNBA. In my opinion, Ron should be benched for the remainder of the year, and be forced to wash his teammates dirty, sweaty laundry for the next 73 games. If you're going to get into a fight with the opposing team, then do it. More comedy for me to write about. But if you're making over 6 million a year, and you can't even take a little splash of beer being thrown on you without flipping out and going on a rampage through the stands, then you're not mature enough to play with grown-ups. You're a cock, and now everyone knows it.

One more reason that SPORTS SUCK.

In other news, there are now 5 more Bush voters out of the gene pool. If you're going to squabble over something as petty and insignificant as a hunting spot, and take the lives of other people, then you need to be removed from the gene pool. You're a danger to society, and it's quite obvious that the animals you are hunting are much, much smarter than you can ever hope to be. Which may explain why the only thing you were able to bag were a woman, a father and son, and a teenage boy, while hiding like a fucking pansy in a tree. Enjoy the ass-rape in prison, Chai Vang.

People fucking suck.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Kinda funny

I got this over email the other day. It's good for a chuckle.

Dear President Bush:

Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving you. California will now be its own country, and we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all of the North East States, the urban half of Ohio and the smart half of Colorado.

We spoke to God, and He agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, He's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then. God is going to give us the Pacific Ocean and Hollywood. In addition, we're getting San Diego. (Sorry, that's just how it goes.) But God is letting you have the KKK and country music (except the Dixie Chicks).

Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of war,
we're going to need all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight in Fallujah, just ask your evangelical voters. They have tons of kids they seem willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.

So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, and we get the Governator and stem cell research. (We would love you to take Britney Spears off our hands, though. She IS from the south, right?)

Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your own late night TV shows because we get MTV, Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. You get... well, why don't you ask your people at Fox News to come up with something entertaining? (Maybe you should just watch Crossfire. That's a really funny show.)

We wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously... Soon...



Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Just beat your goddam kids quiet.

It seems that every time I am going to post about something, one of my "Blogger Cohorts" decides to post about the same thing, 5 hours before me. For instance, I have a severe issue with people yapping to me while I am in the bathroom, and apparently /Filthy/Garlic/ has the same issue. He just beat me to the punch. Then, I was going to post about the soft-core porn Amazon.com. You know the one I mean. "The Big O", Overstock.com. But Kirk got there before me. Rabid Gerbil already bitched about the stupid yellow "patriotism" ribbons (gotta give credit where credit is due). Now it's time to bitch about kids. And guess what, Davida and Trufflepig already got to that one as well. Dammit people! Get out of my mind!!! AAARGH!

It's all good though, because today's post is more of an observation than a rant (although it will most likely turn into one halfway though). In order for this post to make a bit more sense, I would suggest going to Observational Pissings, and reading what he has to say about apathetic youth. Once you're done, come on back, and start reading below.

ADD. ADHD. Hyperactivity. Diseases that are not really diseases. AIDS is a disease. Cancer is a disease. Attention Deficit Disorder is a cop-out for not disciplining your child. I find it very coincidental that right around the time it became taboo to smack your kid, or even slap their hands, we suddenly had an outbreak of ADD (it didn't become ADHD for a few years). Could this be due to the fact that "Time Out" is now the standard method of punishing your child? My parents never beat me; I got spankings, and one time my mom backhanded me and bloodied both sides of my nose (I seem to remember that I deserved it though). If I did something wrong, I feared the smack on the ass more than the 10 minutes in the corner. Not only that, but there's a factor of humiliation that has to be added to that equasion. It didn't really hurt being hit, but having your mother slap you in public was a bit embarrassing when other people are watching.

I think that's where the problem lies. Kids nowadays (never though I'd be using that term) not only have no sense of discipline, but they have no sense of humility. They NEED someone to take the wind out of them, and put them in their place. That's your job as a parent. Don't be afraid to pop your kid in public. Who gives a fuck what some ultra-religious nutjob thinks. Who cares if someone finds it offensive. It's YOUR kid. Look at it this way. When you're at a store, and your kid is screaming his ugly little head off because you won't get him that box of Cookie Crisp cereal, everyone around you not only wants to smack your kid, but they want to smack YOU, for letting your kid act the way he is. If you're a non-violent person, and your rugrat is acting up, just grab him by the collar, put your face up close to his so only he can hear you, and growl at him. Yes, growl. It will surprise them, and once you have their attention, say this to them:

"If you don't calm down and start behaving like a human being, I am going to kill this cute little kitten that I have. Do you want the kitty to die? No? Then sit down, and shut up. Otherwise, Fluffy dies."

Simple enough. An empty threat (unless you really do like killing kittens, and no, that's not a euphemism for masturbation), but an effective one. And if that doesn't work, use the old "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about" ruse. But for chrissake, do SOMETHING. I have reached the point that if I hear a kid squealing and caterwauling 8 aisles away, I will go and hunt the snot monster down, stand right next to the oblivious soccer-mom and SCREAM. "WAAAAHHH!!! ME WANTEE COOKIES!!! WAAAAHHH!! I'M A SPOILED SHIT!!! WAAAAHHHH!!" (a la Brian from Family Guy). You may think I am joking, but I am not. Not everyone has the ability to tune out a whiny child. That sound is like a dentist's drill. And if it goes on for more than 5 minutes, it's obvious that the parent is either clueless, or just doesn't give a shit. So I, being the humanitarian that I am, do their job for them. Sure, I get a lot of dirty looks, but 9 times out of 10, they SHUT THEIR KID UP. Once they realize that other people are being annoyed by their slobbering little carpet monkey, they get embarrassed, and do something about it. Which is good, because I have no qualms whatsoever about telling the parents to keep their fat, chocolate-covered sperm donation in check.

Oh what, you don't like receiving parenting tips from someone who isn't a parent? Tough shit, deal with it. I may not have children of my own, but it's because I know that
1) I am not responsible enough to care for a child at this point in my life.
2) I am not patient enough to deal with a child at this point in my life.
3) I just don't like kids.

"But children are our future!"

Yes, they are, but our planet is so overpopulated at this point that we are using 20% more natural resources than the Earth can provide. That's one of the reasons I am pro-choice. Better to abort a little speck of child than to have them grow up unappreciated, under-educated, unloved and undisciplined by shitty parents, sucking more money out of our collective pockets when he ends up in prison or welfare. Saddam Hussein's mother originally considered abortion, but in the end, she decided against it. And see how that worked out?

Before I get complaints from people, I am not saying that abortion should be used as a form of birth control, I just have issues with the religious-right and other idiots who have a moral objection to a woman getting rid up an unborn, undeveloped, unaware child, but they have no problems sending their 18 year old off to die in Iraq. These are the same people who refuse to use birth control because of religious reasons, but everytime they masturbate, they commit mass genocide.

**Dingdingdingding! There goes the Logic Train! Looks like you missed it. AGAIN.**

I didn't mean for this to turn into a rant on abortion; do whatever the hell you want with your body, it's YOUR body. But if you decide to keep that kid, do everyone a favor and make sure he is educated, disciplined and loved. Unwanted children end up shooting classmates in schools, and mutilating small animals. Or they end up getting yelled at by an irritable person like me.

To sum things up:
Parents: Beat your children! Not with belts or electrical cords, but every now and then, give them a nice whack with a rolled-up newspaper. It sounds loud as hell, hurts very little, and provides instant relief from the high-pitched keening of your demon-spawn. And it teaches them that sometimes life will kick your ass. Better get used to it now, before it catches you by surprise in 18 years, and you have NO idea how to cope.

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Spankings can be fun!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Like clockwork.

If you've been a steady visitor to this site, then you know that every 3 weeks or so, I let loose and post up a bitch list, which is essentially a rundown of all the things that are currently pissing me off. And for those of you who are coming here for the first time, well, now you know. So, without further ado, here are my complaints for early November!

1) w.bloggar. I use this program constantly, because I like to compose offline, and then upload my work when I am ready to post. In general, it is a GREAT program, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who posts on a daily basis. HOWEVER... if you do use it, be sure to always, always, always use the "Save As" feature. Even if you already have your work previously saved, when you save it again, DO NOT just hit "Save". Here's why:

I have been working on an article about hip hop and culture for about a month. On Saturday, I spent 4 hours, and added about 10,000 words to what I already have finished. Changed some phrasing, added a few links, some new parts, etc. Anyhow, I got stuck for about 15 minutes with nothing coming to mind, when I had an idea for another article. So I clicked "File", clicked "Save", and opened a new project. BIG MISTAKE. After finishing that short article, I switched back to the hip hop article.


Nothing saved. Not a solitary word. And after putting that much time and effort into what I was doing, only to have it disappear really doesn't make me want to rewrite it. Mucho sucko, for sure. So my suggestion to the people who use w.bloggar is this: Always use "Save As". ALWAYS. Don't end up like me.

2) Mongolian BBQ: There is a great restaurant near my work called "Mongolian BBQ". It's pretty simple; you get a bowl, fill it with meat (beef/pork/chicken/turkey) and other items (broccoli, mushrooms, tofu, sprouts, noodles, etc.), top it off with some sauce (usually soy, garlic and hot peppers for me) and give it to the guy standing next to a huge grill. He cooks it up, gives it back to you, along with a bowl of rice and some rice-tortillas. GREAT food, but the people are stingy as hell. I always have leftovers, because this is one of those rare places where the food tastes better reheated. But the stupid Asian women will NOT hand out large boxes for leftovers. They'll give me the small ones, but never the large. Even if I ask for them. This pisses me off for a few reasons.
a) I have to fit all my leftovers into 2 small boxes, instead of 1 large box.
b) This happens EVERY time I go, and there are no other good Mongolian BBQ's around, so I have to deal with it.
c) It's just fucking STUPID.

It costs less money, and uses less cardboard if you give me 1 large box. Why the hell is this even an issue?? I paid 9 goddamn dollars for my lunch, if I don't finish it, I want to take it with me. I don't have cash to freely throw around, and every meal counts. And on top of all of this, they harass me to tip the waitress every time. The waitress comes by to give me my 1 soda, and my egg drop soup. She doesn't return until I am ready to leave. I am not going to tip someone who won't even refill my water glass. Fuck that.

To Insure Promptness. T.I.P. Here's the fucking memo, read it, memorize it, and follow it. I have no problem tipping waiters/waitresses. In fact, I would consider myself a generous tipper; I don't blame the waitress if the food is shitty, that's the cook's fault. I judge the wait staff on how often my drink is refilled, and if they make 1 (only 1) trip back to the table to see if I need anything. That's it. Keep me refreshed, and stop by for 15 seconds out of the 1/2 hour that I am there. Do that, and I'll give you at least 20%, usually 25%. I know you guys and gals make next to nothing, and I am understand that waiting tables isn't a super-fun career. I know it's not your fault that my toast was burned and my eggs were runny. I was a pizza delivery driver for a while, and I remember the shitty tips I used to get. But for Chrissake, at least make an attempt to LOOK at my table to see if I need some Ketchup or something.

3) "We Support Our Troops": No, you don't. Putting a yellow ribbon on your vehicle does not mean you support our troops in Iraq. It means that you have done nothing to help them out, and you feel guilty about them being over there for so long. So in order to feel like a better person, and to delude yourself into thinking that you are actually making a difference, you slap a bright yellow magnet on your gas-guzzling SUV. A bumper sticker does not boost moral half a world away. If you want to support our troops, send them some care packages like I do (yes, I regularly send deodorant, aspirin, beef jerky, Ramen and other items overseas through a program at my job). Here's this months shipment:
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No one gives a flying fuck about your patriotism except for the guy at Maaco who will be repainting your car after you take the thing off and discover a discoloration in the shape of a ribbon. He's the only person who cares about you so-called "support". If you REALLY want to support our troops, then Google the term "Iraq Care Packages" or "Donations for Soldiers". Instead of spending 10 bucks on those stupid yellow magnets, spend it on some band-aids and some Lifesavers, ship it off to one of the donation centers, and feel good about yourself. Miniature American flags don't make you a patriot, and neither do witty catchphrases plastered to the rear of your Ford Excursion. You hypocrites make me sick. How about supporting our troops by getting them the hell out of there, for starters. Oh wait, the election is already passed. Too late. Guess those care packages will have to do.

38 soldiers have died so far to bring you this 3 minute long video. So ENJOY it.
Battle footage from Falluja

4) Jockey Temps: Every temp we have had in the past month is the size of a hobbit. I am tired of having to reach up to the top shelf to get a box for you midgets. That's why we have LADDERS. Get some lifts, or apply for a job that doesn't require you to reach above your head. All these dwarves have a shitty work attitude as well. They're perpetually angry, and I don't understand why. Maybe they were laid off from the North Pole, and they miss home. I don't know. But sooner or later I am going to start tossing them like a football. Or maybe I'll just stuff them in a box and mail them to Africa, so they can live with the rest of the pigmies.

5) Christmas Commercials: No, no, no, no, NO!#@!$ It's not Christmas yet. Every 3rd commercial I see on TV is holiday-themed (the worst one yet is that god-awful Old Navy commercial), and it's really irritating me. Seeing Christmas commercials makes me not want to visit your store. EVER. I am not going to buy a Lexus for someone. I am not going to purchase a $4,000 diamond tennis bracelet for someone. And I am not going to dress my animals up in cutesy elf costumes and reindeer hats. If you are one of those people who takes your cat to PetSmart to get its picture taken with Santa, you need to get a friend. Keep stuffing your face with cookies and gravy, but don't bitch to me for 2 months afterwards that you're fat. It's called SELF-CONTROL. Exercise it, tubby.

I hate Christmas, by the way. It was fun until I turned 14 or 15. Then it lost it's appeal. I am not a religious person, so I have no want or desire to go a-churching. I am not a greedy person, so I have no desire to collect as much loot as possible. I rarely have money to get other people presents, and I hate shopping, especially during the holidays, so I feel kinda guilty when I get a package and have nothing to give back. I'll burn people CD's and stuff like that, but that's about the extent of it.

I enjoy Christmas for 2 reasons, and 2 reasons only. The first is the fact that I get a day off work. Which isn't that spectacular anyway, because everything is closed on the 25th, so I just stay at home. Wooopidy-doo! The second reason I like Christmas is the food. I love food (which is surprising, seeing as how I am 6'1" and 140 lbs. soaking wet), and since my family is German, I get to munch on all sorts of good stuff, like red cabbage, goose, my aunt's awesome green bean casserole, and the usual Christmas fare, like stuffing, ham, potatoes, etc. We all get together and pig out, Kraut style! Good times. But as for Christmas trees, caroling, Christmas tunes on the radio, specials on TV and the plethora of crappy movies starring Tim Allen, I don't give a flying reindeer about any of it. Yeah, I'm a Scrooge, I know. So to all you Christians, Pagans, and nonsecular folks who love and celebrate the 25th of December, I say to you "Piss off. Ho ho ho."

6) Halo 2: Wow. I haven't been this let down by a video game since "Unreal Tournament 2". I'll warn you now, this part contains spoilers, so if you don't want the game ruined for you, skip to the next section. It only took me 16 hours to beat this game. It took me almost twice that to beat the original. The ending to Halo 2 is downright shitty, it's a giant cock-tease. The games ends right in the middle of a battle. No Boss Character to kill, nothing. Some of the deathmatch levels are exactly the same as in Halo 1. Literally. Very few new weapons, too. I will say, for the record, that the graphics are outstanding, and the gameplay is very smooth. The new levels that they did add are incredible, but I didn't buy the game for the graphics. I bought it to shoot people! For as many times as they pushed back the release date, it should have been a LOT better. It took me almost 2 months to beat Need For Speed Underground (NFSU2 is released today, I may go sell Halo 2 and buy that instead), and I can definitely say I got my moneys worth for that game. But not Halo 2. Let me save you the time and the money: BUY THE ORIGINAL. Unless you plan on just going online to play, it's really not worth it. It's the equivalent to the Star Wars movies. Graphics do not make the plot any better. I expect to get mountains of angry emails about this, but tough shit. Too much hype and not enough substance. On a scale of 1 - 10, I'd give it a 6.

7) Fingernails: I bite my fingernails like crazy, it's the only habit that I have NEVER been able to break. I've tried everything from taping them up, to coating the nails with pepper sauce (which didn't help, because I LIKE pepper sauce) or a horrible tasting concoction called "Thum". I try to trip and file them to keep them neat, but no dice. I remember having this habit as far back as 3rd grade, but recently it has progressed to a whole new level. I have been gnawing them down to the nubs, and my fingers are sore and have a ragged I'm-a-meth-addict-who-needs-a-hit look to them. Anyone have any ideas on how to kick this habit? I have no nails left, and am chewing my knuckles now. Please, help me! I can't scratch my mosquito bites!!

That about wraps it up for this month. I hope you enjoyed my rage.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

ODB is no mo.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Old Dirty Bastard, a.k.a. Dirt McGirt, a.k.a. Big Baby Jesus is dead. May we remember him as the whacko who crashing the Grammy's to talk about the clothes he just bought, stealing a $50 pair of sneakers, the eye-gouging contest he go into with himself (and subsequestly lost), his ability to record and release an album even though he was on the run from the police, and general insane behavior.

Here's a brief history of ODB. Very interesting stuff indeed.


Saturday, November 13, 2004

NaSoAlMo - Tripping the Light Fantastic

National Solo Album Month

UPDATED 11/20/04


1) Your solo album must be at least 29:09 long (the length of the first Ramones album)
2) Album can include 1 cover song.
3) Album must be finished by November 30th.

That's pretty much it. The one thing I will mention is that the sound quality does not have to be professional. Which is good, because mastering tracks is not only a giant pain in the ass (for me, anyway), but it's very time consuming as well. I think I do a pretty good job at quick-mastering the songs, but you'll have to be the judge. I apologize in advance for the burst eardrums.

Since I am already in a band, and this contest will not include them, I am going to call this project "Tripping the Light Fantastic." The music is going to be a mish-mash of styles; weird, trippy stoner rock, hip hop (most likely just the music, because I am not an MC at all), punk, pop-rock, house, jungle, spoken-word poetry and who knows what else. So if you're not a fan of one particular style, don't fret. I'll change things up as much as possible. And, for the record, I am having someone join for this project.

This is Dave:
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Dave is twacked. As you can tell from this picture. But he is really talented, and since he doesn't have a blog, we will be collaborating together for this project. Yes, I know that having 2 people defeats the purpose of making a solo album, but I'm changing the rules to suit me. Dave has a few songs that he has done on his own, as do I, and we have some ideas for dual-solo work (wtf?!). Here's a list of the items we will be using.

Equipment Used

Paul Reed Smith (PRS) Santana CE electric guitar. Black Betty, I call her.
ESP Guitar
Ibanez SP900 Bass
DigiTech RP200 Guitar processor
Korg Pandora 3 effects processor
Crate GFX-1200H Solid State Head
Celestion 4 Speaker Half-Stack
Roland MC-303 Groovebox
EuroRack MX802A Mixing Board
Audio Technica DR-VX2 Microphones
HP Pentium II 400 computer with a 1/2 melted processor.

Software Used

Fruity Loops FL Studio 4.5.6 Producer Edition
Sound Forge ACiD 4.0
Wave Lab Lite
CuBasis VST

Below are all the songs that I currently have finished. I will hot-link this post, and put it on the sidebar under "Favorites (Stickied)". Everytime I add a new song to the list, I will put the title of the song, a bit of information about it including the length, and lyrics, if there are any. Please humor me and listen to them and post a comment about what you think. Was the song too long? Repetitive? Boring? Would you listen to it again? Would you use it as a torture device for prisoners at Abu Ghraib? Stoke my ego and leave me feedback. Download the songs if yuou want to, but please give me credit if you are going to repost them anywhere.

All Music Is Copyright 2004 Blackbird Productions
This music free to share under a
Creative Commons Music Sharing License

Tripping The Light Fantastic

The High Clock

Chemically Imbalanced

Club Atlantis

Smoke Screen

Friday, November 12, 2004


If you are wondering what happened to me, or if you notice that I haven't posted in awhile, it's because of this:

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I've geeked out, and will be lost in videogameland for the next few days. My diet will consist of Red Bull, White Chocolate Mochas from Starbuck's, fatty snack foods and pizza, and the occasional bong rip between levels. Trying to save me is a lost cause. I have been stricken with "Halo Flu". I'll be in front of my television, drooling all over myself, forgetting to blink for extended periods of time and destroying my thumbs until Monday. Sleep? What is sleep? I have to shoot people!!


How far we have fallen

Guess what? We've been bested by a 3rd world country!! That's right, America! PERU just announced that it was legal for gays in the military to have sex!

LIMA (AFP) - Peru's constitutional court has granted gays in the military the freedom to have sex, declaring that a rule which had deemed such relations illegal was unconstitutional.

The army's rule had stipulated that military personnel could not engage in sexual relations with persons of the same sex either within or outside their barracks.

But constitutional court official Samuel Abad dubbed that rule "completely discriminatory."

Gays in the armed forces had been subject to expulsion or prison sentences if they engaged in homosexual relations, even outside their barracks, under a rule that Aldo Araujo of Lima's Homosexual Movement gay rights group declared "a violation of people's right to privacy."

That's what I love about America. We're so obsessed with pushing our moral beliefs on other people that sometimes we actually travel BACK IN TIME!
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Hear that, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Michigan, Mississippi, Montana, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Ohio, Utah, Texas and Oregon??? Peru is more culturally diverse and open-minded than you are! And they have issues seperating their sewage from their potable water. 54% of their population is living below the poverty line, and 24% live in EXTREME poverty. Their children die because large companies like Bayer send them tainted drugs. They shit in plastic bags and throw it out the windows of their tin shacks. There's a good chance that you'll get caught up in, and killed by guerilla warfare.

But they let you fuck who you want to fuck, without question, even in the military.

I guess the Christians haven't made it down there yet. Just wait, Peru! It's only a matter of time before the Religious Right makes a trip to South America. Hey Baker, Bush, Falwell and Robertson! When you go down to "enlighten: them, be sure to take a tour of the FARC headquarters. I'm sure that they'd just LOVE to hear what you have to say...

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Txt msgng mdnss!

If my blog was one of the ones listed in the Golden Dumpster Awards, then it would look something like this:

Linky to site


I saw a commercial for Taco Bell just a few moments ago. They were advertising the "Zesty Chicken Border Bowl", and at the bottom of the screen, I saw a flash of fine print that said "All white meat chicken available in the US only." That phrase is repeated on the Taco Bell website, under "Nutritional Information".

Now, that's really not a disgusting statement; I happen to like dark meat more than white meat (ohhhhh yeah. Heh), but I find it odd and somewhat disturbing that we are the only country that gets ALL white meat. I mean, they have Taco Bell in Canada and Canada isn't exactly a 3rd world country. So how come Canadians get stuck with all of our leftover dark meat? I can see Mexico getting the spare niblets of processed-chicken-flavored-meat-type-food, but what the hell? That doesn't seem very fair. Is there some sort of a ban on importing white meat? Did the greedy Americans just hoard all of the white meat? Are chickens an endangered species? I think the answer is far more sinister than that. And even though I hope it isn't true...

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I don't think that's chicken they're selling. I have my suspicions about what it might be (think smaller. Think more legs), and now I REALLY don't want to go there anymore. I wish we had more Taco John's around here, but the closest one is a 2 hour drive. And that's too far to go for psuedo-mexican food. Just as well. I already get cat meat when I eat at the Mongolian BBQ down the street, and I don't think that eating that many different animals can be good for you.

So, did I ruin Taco Bell for you?
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Thank god for small favors

Stupidity is herred... heredet... hereddi... runs in the family.

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. --Read his lips: Gov. Jeb Bush really, really isn't interested in succeeding his brother in the White House in 2008.

Bush reiterated Tuesday that he is not going to run for the Senate when Florida has a seat up in 2006, and said he has no designs on the presidency four years from now.

And he is getting awful tired of the question.

"Might you change your mind?" asked a reporter.

"No!" governor said. "Why am I not believable on this subject? This is driving me nuts."

But he dodged a question on whether he might "eventually" run for president.

"Eventually, what's that?" Bush asked after a sigh.

The governor's second and final four-year term ends in January 2007.

Man, a 3rd Bush in office would be the end of the civilized world as we know it. I'd rather see Strom Thurmand's decaying corpse in office than Jeb Bush. And do I REALLY have to make a smartass comment about how you are "not believable on this subject"?

Yes, I think I do. Jeb, it's because we didn't trust your father, we don't trust your brother, and to be quite honest, the whole Florida debacle 4 years ago has given us reason not to trust you. Sleaziness and dishonesty runs in your bloodline, the same way that murder and hatred run in the Hussein bloodline. Would I trust one of Osama bin Laden's family members? Fuck no!

We have this saying down in Louisiana... and probably in Florida, too. "The apple doesn't.. wait, no... the nut doesn't fall from the tree... or it does, and when it hits the ground, it doesn't roll away... no, it rolls, but not far. Or something".

I think that electing a third Bush into the White House should be punishable under California's 3 Strikes law. Or even better, exile to JesusLand, where the rest of the retards (who haven't been killed yet) reside.

Monday, November 08, 2004

A new low

This is just DUMB.

Authentic GOP.

Yes! I want to equate the presidential election to the Superbowl! I want to think of my President when I watch NASCAR! I want an official Presidential football helmet! Go Team GOP! Amaze me with that 4th grade humor, and sense of t-shirt elitism. Ugh. At least Conservative Ice Cream was original and inventive. And they used proper punctuation on their product (cough).

Here's a smattering of what I can only assume is supposed to be redneck wit:

KEEP SPORTS AWAY FROM POLITICS, GODDAMN IT! It's bad enough that religion is deftly woven into that tapestry of ass-hattery (I went for elegant, and ended with childish.)

Syndicated Hatred

Looks like someone liked my hate-filled rant enough to post it up on a ZGeek forum. My thanks goes out to whoever did this. And thanks to Conservative Artist for enjoying it enough to link to me, even if she doesn't agree with me. Even more thanks go to /Filthy/Garlic/ for giving me the prestegious honor of "Quote of the Day". Muchas gracias, mi amigo! Heh.

Whoops, one more! Thanks to The Lawnmower Man for linking me on his newly designed (and very nice) site, Memoirs of a Lawnmower Man.

Sunday, November 07, 2004


As usual, my OCD has forced me to redesign my site again. Here's what's new:

Main Layout
Larger Header
Text area widened for increased viewing pleasure. Bonus: I can post larger pictures without my sidebar being pushed down.

Added more links in the "News" section (Democracy Now and Independent Online), and 4 new blogs (PIMPeration, Kingdom of Love, in10sity and Aaafter Effect) in the "Attack Of..." section. Check them out.
Added new link buttons.
Added Technorati profile and Blogshares added in the "Supported By" section.
Added a map of the countries that hit my site in the "Who Visits?" section. It should go live on Monday.
Added "Who's Online" section in sidebar. It's usually only you.
Dropped the Progressive Blog Alliance blogroll down towards the bottom of the sidebar.
Added a "Link to Me" section with buttons and banners. Use them to... (do I need to finish?)

Working on
Adding Google site search down at the bottom of the page. But the code isn't cooperating. So I may not do it. *shrug*
NaSOAlMo stickied link with current songs and information to be added tomorrow(?)

That's what's new. Let me know if you have problems seeing anything, or if the page looks messed up. I have only viewed it on MSIE, so I have no idea how it looks on Netscape, Firefox, Opera or Avant. Please leave a comment if things are screwed up.

Thanks, and enjoy the show!

You Have Sex Like a Libertarian!

Rules? What rules? You chuck rules out the window!
Who said you can only have a penis or a vagina anyway?
You prefer your sex to be wild, unconventional, and nasty
And if you break a few laws, you'll just hide out in your compound.
You swear you thought that the age of consent was 14!

What Political Party Do You Do It Like?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

An Early Christmas Wish

UPDATE: This post has been syndicated on ZGeek. Go check it out.

Remember the last time you got dumped by a girl/boyfriend in a horribly shitty manner? Curses hurled at you, clothes on the front lawn, and any attempt to make up is met with "Fuck you, asshole. I don't give a damn about you."

Or the last time you got your ass handed to you in a fight? A knee to the groin, and then a kick to the face when you are down on the ground. Maybe you get your fingers stomped or catch a fat loogie between the eyes just so your assailant can be a prick.

When was the last time some idiot without insurance ran a stop sign and t-boned your 6 month old car?

Ever been molested by a priest, and heard the words "Trust me" before being sodomized?

How about getting mugged? Have you ever been held at gunpoint and been forced to hand over your wallet?

Rape is awful. When was the last time someone forced themselves on you and just raped the shit out of you with a big smile on their face?

Ever had your thumbs broken for not wanting to play ball?

Ever wanted to commit suicide?

Remember that time in 4th grade when that jackoff knocked all your books out of your hands, and then laughed at you while you tried to clean them up?

Don't you hate it when Jehovah's Witlesses accost you on your porch as you're leaving for an appointment, and then have the audacity to RETURN later in the day to try and push their beliefs on you again?

4 weeks ago, when that guy in the corvette cut you off in traffic and then intentionally drove 10 under the limit just to fuck with you... didn't that just make you want to scream in frustration and anger?

This is how I feel. I feel that I have been let down by a system I had faith in. I feel that maybe I really am the one who is misled. Last weekend I could say "People are basically good." But that's not true. People are NOT good. Yes, I always knew there were some assholes out there. Quite a few of them, actually. But I had no idea that there were THIS many.

Nice guys do finish last. People aren't book smart, they're magazine smart. TV replaced reading long ago. God is not love. God and love should not even be spoken together in the same sentence. The Easter Bunny is dead underneath my tires. Repent sinners, the end is near! My only saving grace is Santa Claus. So I have decided to ask Santa for an early Christmas present. I don't want toys, or electronics, or world peace. If you check your list, I think that you'll see that with the exception of a few slipups, I am on the Nice List. So here's a list of what I want:

To all those people out there who are saying "just get over it", I hope you suddenly go blind, and then are told by the doctors to "deal with it."

To all the Republicans who grin and cackle and laugh, who ooze hatred and ignorance, and whose bodies are coated with a visible sheen of oily nescience, I hope you are imprisioned in Russia, so you can see what Communism is really like. But before that, I hope Jaques Chirac is appointed President of the United States for some reason.

To all the Democrats who whine and complain, who constantly try to pass the buck and play the pity card, I hope you get to spend a few months in an Iranian prison, so you can see what Fascism is really like.

To the hundreds of fat, white quasi-religious males who are against abortion for any reason, I hope your teenage daughter is raped by your nephew, and then has complications during her pregnancy which put you in a position of having to chose between your child's life, or the word of your God.

Conservatives: May you be taken to Africa by slave ship and forced to work the fields, taking a break only for your hourly beatings and ridicule. Then you'll know what sticking to old-fashioned beliefs will get you. I hope Hillary Clinton is elected with John Kerry in 2008.

Liberals: My wish for you is to sprout a backbone, and rinse the sand from your vaginas. Being kind-hearted and smart is a lost cause. Start fighting dirty. Become a complete prick. Shit, or get off the pot.

Muslims: I'd like to see you buried upside-down in a grave of bacon, pork chops and ham. Maybe 2 separate grave. Neither one facing east.

Christians: May you be eaten alive by lions. Feet first. And my God smite you with the biggest and most horrible curse of all. The curse of Tolerance.

Leave the Jews alone. They're hate by enough people as it is.

Mexicans: I hope 1 billion red chinese immigrate to your country, do your jobs for 1/2 the pay, and refuse to learn the language. In fact, I hope that Mandarin becomes the official language of Mexico, and you're forced to "Press 1 for Spanish..." every time you call a business or visit an ATM.

Canada: I hope that George Bush sets his sights on your country next. Prime Minister Bush. Sounds good, eh? Or perhaps you would prefer Dick Cheney?

To the white-hooded, bible-belt of America, I pray that 10 million militant black muslims come through, lynching and forcefully converting your women and children. And when you die, I hope you find out that the one, true religion is Mormon, and you done fucked up, son. I wish for Jerry Falwell, and the rest of the religious-right meet Jesus face to face. I hope he opens his arms wide, beckons for you to come closer, and the spits in your hypocritical, bigoted faces, before sending you straight to Hell.

Heterosexuals: I hope that male-to-female intercourse is banned by law, and punishable by castration. I hope you and Rick Santorum are mercilessly pounded from behind by extremely well-hung porn stars, and then given a dirty sanchez just for laughs.

Lesbians: I hope you grow penises.

I pine for the day when meat, cigarettes, alcohol, asprin, Pepsi, spicy food, red meat, toilet paper, tampons and condoms, things that 99% of the population have no problem with, are banned because 1 stay-at-home mom in Jonesboro, Arkansas was OFFENDED by a commercial she saw.

I hope that everyone in America is lined up against a wall, and is stripped of the one thing that the hold dearest, whether it be a child, a certain ethical mindset, a family heirloom or the ability to do what you love most in life.

May everyone realize that the American government is now as "Fair and Balanced" as Fox News. And if you watch Fox news, may you be sexually harassed by Bill O'Reilly.

May Ann Coulter have a front row seat when another country "Comes over here, kills our leaders, and converts us all to Islam". May Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore share some of their cake with Ann, so she doesn't look like an anorexic Ethiopian.

May this planet finally be stripped of all its natural resources, and may all its inhabitants have to sell their H2's and resort to murder, cannibalism and driving a Toyota Prius.

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May everyone reading this realize that I am just pissed off, and only meant 96, maybe 97% of what I said. Don't be such a prude. If your feelings are hurt by words, then you need to leave your bubble more often.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Get blown by Helen

Mount St. Helens is ejaculating!! The new lava lobe inside Mount St. Helens' crater has sprouted a piston-like protrusion the size of a 30-story building glowing red at night.
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"The magma is pushing the plug upward." said hydrologist Carolyn Driedger of the U.S. Geological Survey.

The new throbbing probe has swelled in size to 900 feet long and 250 feet wide. More than 63 percent silica, the hot lava tends to be sticky and viscous. A more explosive eruption, possibly dropping ash within a 10-mile radius of the crater, is possible at any time, scientists have said.

Looks like Seattle might get a facial. God, I love double-entendres.

Read more about the ejaculation of burning magma here. Or, after it gets dark, check out the Mount St. Helens Volcano Webcam.

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Ooh, baby, every time we kiss, hot lava.
Every time that we make love, thats's lava, hot lava
Lava so hot it makes me sweat,
Lava so warm and red and wet,

Mountain is rumbling, must find a safer place
Soon the wrath of Pele, will fall upon your face.
Great nectar of the gods, spews rock from down below
makes the lava we know.

Ooh, baby, every time we kiss, hot lava.
Every time that we make love, there's lava, hot lava.
Lava so hot it makes me sweat,
Lava so warm and red and wet.

Burning through the forest, red, red hot lava flows
roles down the island body, and into the ocean below.
When it meets the cool cool water, it's main flow of living is
Magma flowing into a sepicrious envronment produces pillar lava
Argisotic pressure of sea water tends to inhabit the vestal size of the basalt.

Ooh, baby, every time we kiss, hot lava
Every time that we make love, there's lava, hot lava.
Lava so hot it makes me sweat,
Lava so warm and red and wet.

And after the eruption, we lay dormant for a while.
Let's just hold each other and talk,
For now, Pele sleeps.

Ooh, baby, every time we kiss, hot lava.
Every time that we make love baby, hot lava.
Lava so hot it makes me sweat,
Lava so warm and red and wet.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Thanks for keeping me sane.

I wanted to give thanks to Frank at Daily Traversal for letting me be a guest-blogger for the month of November, while he is working on his NoMoWriMo submission. The stuff you'll find on there from me is a bit more lighthearted and humorous than the bile I have been spewing forth on my site. Basically, it's interesting and fun things I find during my "Daily Traversal" through the interent and blogosphere. Hence the name.

So do us both a favor, and check it out.

Ignorance of the Red

Just reaffirming what I already knew. Religion makes people stupid. Politics bring out the worst in people. And when you mix the two, and add in some world-class, close-minded... excuse me, CONSERVATIVE fucktards (Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Kentucky, Georgia and Florida are all proud participants for the "Top 15 stupidest states" award. Massachusetts was ranked "Smartest State in the Union" for the 2nd year in a row... go figure), you get REPUBLICANS! And not just Republicans, but the hard-core religious right.

Now I'm not saying that all Republicans are morons; I personally thought Ben Nighthorse Campbell did a great job in the senate, but numbers don't lie. And when you outlaw gay marriage, sodomy and sex toys, but you still allow people to marry their first cousins, you have to see that something is a bit askew. My god, even the shack-dwellers in frigid Montana have more formal education than the folks in Florida (where the sun might just tan you a deep inelligible-to-vote brown). And it shows. Punch a fucking hole in a card, how difficult is that?!?

Here's a little information on how to find God, and dumb yourself down enough to vote Red in the next election. Assuming that we'll make it another 4 years. I highlighted the more informative parts for you southerners (Calm down, I'm just picking on ya. I live in Cow Town myself) who fall into the "15" category. Since I'm losing 2 of my 3 readers by bashing the south, religion AND the right-wing/moral majority, just take it with a grain of salt. I don't hate you PERSONALLY. Just everyone around you. =)

Read the full article on Slate

Ignorance and bloodlust have a long tradition in the United States, especially in the red states. There used to be a kind of hand-to-hand fight on the frontier called a "knock-down-drag-out," where any kind of gouging, biting, or maiming was considered fair. The ancestors of today's red-state voters used to stand around cheering and betting on these fights. When the forces of red and blue encountered one another head-on for the first time in Kansas Territory in 1856, the red forces from Missouri, who had been coveting Indian land across the Missouri River since 1820, entered Kansas and stole the territorial election. The red news media of the day made a practice of inflammatory lying—declaring that the blue folks had shot and killed red folks whom everyone knew were walking around. The worst civilian massacre in American history took place in Lawrence, Kan., in 1862—Quantrill's raid. The red forces, known then as the slave-power, pulled 265 unarmed men from their beds on a Sunday morning and slaughtered them in front of their wives and children. The error that progressives have consistently committed over the years is to underestimate the vitality of ignorance in America. Listen to what the red state citizens say about themselves, the songs they write, and the sermons they flock to. They know who they are—they are full of original sin and they have a taste for violence. The blue state citizens make the Rousseauvian mistake of thinking humans are essentially good, and so they never realize when they are about to be slugged from behind.

Here is how ignorance works: First, they put the fear of God into you—if you don't believe in the literal word of the Bible, you will burn in hell. Of course, the literal word of the Bible is tremendously contradictory, and so you must abdicate all critical thinking, and accept a simple but logical system of belief that is dangerous to question. A corollary to this point is that they make sure you understand that Satan resides in the toils and snares of complex thought and so it is best not try it.

Next, they tell you that you are the best of a bad lot (humans, that is) and that as bad as you are, if you stick with them, you are among the chosen. This is flattering and reassuring, and also encourages you to imagine the terrible fates of those you envy and resent. American politicians ALWAYS operate by a similar sort of flattery, and so Americans are never induced to question themselves. That's what happened to Jimmy Carter—he asked Americans to take responsibility for their profligate ways, and promptly lost to Ronald Reagan, who told them once again that they could do anything they wanted. The history of the last four years shows that red state types, above all, do not want to be told what to do—they prefer to be ignorant. As a result, they are virtually unteachable.

Third, and most important, when life grows difficult or fearsome, they (politicians, preachers, pundits) encourage you to cling to your ignorance with even more fervor. But by this time you don't need much encouragement—you've put all your eggs into the ignorance basket, and really, some kind of miraculous fruition (preferably accompanied by the torment of your enemies, and the ignorant always have plenty of enemies) is your only hope. If you are sufficiently ignorant, you won't even know how dangerous your policies are until they have destroyed you, and then you can always blame others.

The reason the Democrats have lost five of the last seven presidential elections is simple: A generation ago, the big capitalists, who have no morals, as we know, decided to make use of the religious right in their class war against the middle class and against the regulations that were protecting those whom they considered to be their rightful prey—workers and consumers. The architects of this strategy knew perfectly well that they were exploiting, among other unsavory qualities, a long American habit of virulent racism, but they did it anyway, and we see the outcome now—Cheney is the capitalist arm and Bush is the religious arm. They know no boundaries or rules. They are predatory and resentful, amoral, avaricious, and arrogant. Lots of Americans like and admire them because lots of Americans, even those who don't share those same qualities, don't know which end is up. Can the Democrats appeal to such voters? Do they want to? The Republicans have sold their souls for power. Must everyone?

Something else I found interesting (and thanks to my sister for pointing this out) is that DC, the state where politicians reign supreme and the general population is more tuned in to what is happening with the War on Terror and politics in general, voted overwhelmingly for Kerry. As did New York, where they experienced a terrible act of terrorism. So reasonable, rational people should come to the following conclusion:

If you are informed about politics, and have experienced terrorism (not domestic, like the OKC bombing, but international) in the recent past, you were probably paying attention to what went on around you for 4 years. If you have a middle-school education, and your only exposure to terrorism is what you see on television, then you were not. Al-Qaeda isn't going to blow up West Memphis. But they WILL go after cities with large populations. Like Illinois (blue), California (blue), New York and the entire north-eastern seaboard (blue), large seaports like those found in Oregon and Seatte, WA (blue).

Now tell me, who's word do you want to take? People who are tucked away in their towns of 600 people and no government buildings, or the folks on the front line?

Intelligence leads to open-minded free thought. Lack of intelligence leads to repeating mantras like "4 more years!! 4 more years!!", "Stay the Course", "Mission Accomplished" and "SaddamOsamaTerrorSaddamOsamaTerror". So, next election, STOP FUCKING THINKING! Ignorance may not be bliss, but 58 million people are sleeping soundly tonight.

Like the bumper sticker says:

"If you aren't appalled, then you HAVEN'T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION!"

Want to know more about brainwashing?

Thursday, November 04, 2004

A magazine gets it right

Thank you, Daily Mirror, for saying what we're all thinking.

*Note - This is NOT a photoshop. This is the actual front page. The other 2 pictures I just found to be funny.

Click photos to enlarge.

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The PBA and NaSoAlMo

Ok, I had a day to lick my wounds and do quite a bit of head-smacking, but I'm back! Full of piss and vinegar! Boy, that sounds like a really nasty flavor of potato chip. Anyhow, being the young and hopeless idealist that I am, I joined the Progressive Blog Alliance.

The Progressive Blog Alliance is, in the words of it's moderator "an emergent self-organized network of independent citizens and activists whose broad agenda includes world peace, human rights, sustainable development, environmentalism, and social justice. We do not identify exclusively with a single nation, but rather our world society as a whole. We recognize that on a fundamental level we are all one. Blogging is our medium; our message will be the story of a new world."

Yeah, sounds like some hippy-dippy liberal bullshit, but it's not just politics. There are actually quite a number of great blogs on the loooooong list, some of which rarely, if ever, touch upon the subject. I would call it more of a "Common Sense Web Ring". That's pretty much what it boils down to. And since there seems to be a severe lack of common sense surrounding us right now, I thought it would be nice to have a way to expose some of the people who... ummm.. what's the word? Oh, THINK. Consider it a support group the disenfranchised.

So go and give some of them a look. There is a huge section devoted to it in my sidebar, right underneath the dead elephant. Prolix Colere Opinari! (I probably butchered that phrase, but oh well).


As many of you know, November is National Novel Writing Month (hereafter referred to as NaNoWriMo), and quite a few bloggers are participating. American Blogger is writing a piece called The Magic Pen, Frank from Daily Traversal has me hooked on his story called Murderess X, Shut Up Ed is considering joining, and I know 1 or 2 other people whose blogs I cruise are involved. That's all fine and dandy, but the problem that I have is this. I am not a "writer". I am more of an opinion-style writer, rather than an author. So I am signing up for National Solo Album Month (hereafter referred to NaSoAlMo).

The rules are a bit different. The album has to be performed and recorded by me, and the album must be at least 29:09 long (that's the length of the first Ramones album). I can do some covers if I want to, and since mastering tracks is a very time consuming process, it doesn't have to sound terribly professional. Just terrible. =)

I'll be posting a bit more about this later. Stay tuned!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Stupidity by Category

Wow. What can I say. Just.... wow. I knew that there were a lot of uneducated dolts out there, but I didn't think that there were over 58 MILLION. That really make me not want to leave the house again.

I'm predicting that Bush is going to take Ohio and win, but oh well. What can you do? Sometimes you eat the bar, sometimes the bar eats you. Now that the dust is settling, and we can prepare for 4 more years of ignorance and idiocy (but good political satire... if the FCC doesn't ban it), let's take a look at some numbers from around the country.

States in the Dark Ages

71% of the Moron... er.. Mormons in Utah are just that.
69% of the sheep-fuckers in Wyoming like the sound of the word "New-Q-Ler"
68% of the people in Idaho want even more war!
67% of Nebraska (all 418 citizens) hate them damn Liberals (not a single blue county in the entire state).
63% of the people in North Dakota think that 1000+ dead American troops just aren't enough.
62% of the people in Alaska said "Come fuck up our pristine state and drill for oil!"
62% of the people in Kansas think that being president is such an easy job that a monkey could do it.
61% of Texans approve of the PATRIOT ACT. I hope they raid your house next, Bubba.
60% of Indiana thinks Saddam was responsible for 9/11.
59% of the Montana Militia say "YES" to suppression of equal rights.
58% of the people from South Carolina want to leave their children behind.
57% of the people from Louisiana want corporations to run America.
57% of the people in Tennessee think that having a president that speaks more than 1 language is a stupid idea.
53% of my fellow Coloradoans don't care what the rest of the world thinks about us.
52% of the people in Florida didn't learn from their past mistakes.

The ELEVEN States That Hate Homosexuals

86% in Mississippi
77% in Georgia
76% in Oklahoma
75% in Kentucky
75% in Arkansas
73% in North Dakota
66% in Montana
66% in Utah
62% in Ohio
59% in Michigan
57% in Oregon

States who sent out a big "Fuck You" to people with epilepsy, glaucoma, AIDS, cancer and cataracts (failing the Medical Marjijuana Proposal)

58% in Oregon (that came as a BIG surprise to me)
57% in Alaska

Scariest Stat of All

96% of Bush supporters in Mississippi are White Conservative Protestants, 95% strongly approve the decision to invade Iraq

On the plus side, California said "Yes" to funding stem-cell research, so I am pretty happy about that. And Montana said "Yes" to medical marijuana. Which is odd, because they banned same-sex marriage. So it's ok to put something in your mouth and inhale, as long as it's not a penis.

And on to my home state of Colorado:
Hooray! We elected Ken Salazar to the Senate!
Hooray! We elected Diane DeGette to the House!
Hooray! The electoral vote Amendment failed!
Hooray! We demand renewable energy sources!
Hooray! FasTracks was approved! Public transportation for all!
Hooray! Funding for museums passed! People DO care about education (kinda not really)

BOO!!!! The Tobacco Tax passed (by a LOT). Smokers, prepare for over a 300% increase in the price of a pack of smokes. This one I am kind of bent out of shape about. I'm a non-smoker, and personally, I think smoking cigarettes is a nasty, vile habit (I'm an ex-smoker, btw. 4 years nicotine free!), but I think that this Amendment was nothing but Nannyism. By voting yes, you essentially said "I don't want to think for myself, so I am going to let someone else make decisions about what is and isn't good for me". Next up on the list:

Red Meat
Fast Food

Good job. Now the poor people (and studies HAVE shown that as poverty increases, so do the amount of smokers) have to shell out an extra buck to get a pack of Marlboro's. But they still won't have the money to go to the doctor when they develop health problems. Idiots.

So, I noticed something last night as the results were popping up. The costal states (East and West) are more progressive artistically, musically, scientifically and culturally. And they voted blue. The hicks who don't read important documents like the 9/11 commission report, and mid-westerners who are 5 years behind everyone else all voted red. Imagine that.

Orwell was 20 years early. And for those of you who don't know who he is, it's because you voted Chimp, so you probably can't fucking read. Don't bother to get a copy. It'll play out live here REAL soon.

Color me jaded, but as of this moment, I have lost ALL faith in Americans as a group. Individually, I still have hope for us. But collectively, we are some DUMB motherfuckers. Shit is going to start hitting the fan shortly, and it's my prediction that within 4 years we will be so completely and utterly despised by everyone else on this planet, that no one will care when the bombs start to rain down on our cities (I'm thinking that the first attack will be before the end of 2004). But on the plus side, now the Republicans have to take responsibility for everything. No more passing the buck to the Clinton Administration. That's about the only good thing I see coming out of this election. Personal Accountability. That, and now I can get back to posting about fun stuff, instead of politics. Yippee!!

In conclusion... Fuck it, Kerry lost. American took 2 giant steps back, and zero forward. You just heard my bitch, and that's the last one you'll hear about this election. Milk has been spilled, I cried over it, now it's time to move on. Australia, here I come!

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Realtime election

The polls just closed in 6 states. So we should start getting some results in shortly. The Drudge Report is already reporting that Bush and Kerry are tied in Ohio, and Kerry is +2 in Florida. And Slate is reporting a Kerry lead, 51 - 48. NBC just started Decision 2004 coverage. So the question is, do I want to be one of those bloggers who will be sitting at the computer, updating all 3 of my readers with hourly updates and pithy commentary?

Hell no. I've got a sixer of Sam Adams Light to drink and The Simpsons just came on. Get your news elsewhere. =)

Well, it's settled. I'm going to start a stickied post that lists all of the weird web traffic I get. Yesterday, I got not 1, not 2, but 3 hits from google because apparently I am associated with The Ku Klux Klan and Pete Coors.


Lighten the mood

Here's some pre-election humor to lighten the mood before tomorrow. So calm down....


Breathe deeply...


Close your eyes...



...er, sorry. Guess I kinda killed the mood. Let's get started, shall we?

Tired of those hippie liberal ice cream powerhouses, Ben & Jerry? Then try some Conservative Ice Cream! With great flavors, like Smaller GovernMint, Navy BattleChip, Kerry Berry and Prale to the Chief. Made with 17% butterfat! Mmmm Mmmm!!!

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And look for future flavors, like Donald Rum Raisin, GuantanaMocha, Clinton Im-Peach, White House Fundraiser Coffee and Jimmy Carter Peanut Malaise!

Or, head over to The Onion, Broken Newz, or BBSPot for a little election satire.

Republicans Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote On Nov. 3rd

Countdown to the Recount 2004

P. Diddy Decries Scare Tactics, Tells Fans 'Vote Or Die'

Bush Wins Preemptive Election in Florida

Stupid People Love Bush

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Don't want to read? Then watch some great animation by the folks at JibJab. Revisit old classics like "Good to be in D.C." and "This Land".

Want some nudity? Well, grab some hand lotion, and head into that voting booth! You can either vote for Kerry, or for Bush.

Look at a funny Fark Photoshop Contest of Dick Cheney not meeting John Edwards.

Patriotic Posters!

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Play some games with Maxim.
John Kerry's Hedge Fun
Appease voters' silly demands for a platform by telling them exactly what they want to hear in our Simon Says–style game.

George W Bush's "No President Left Behind" Spelling Be.
Dispel any doubts about your intellect by demonstrating your knowledge of a second, nonexistent language in our game of political hangman.

Or go to The Political Circus
Blast your favorite candidate out of a cannon, and get points for doing tricks. Play as Kerry, Bush, Nader or Cobb.

You can also shoot up the terrorists, Texas-style, with Bush Shoot-Out, starring George Bush and Condoleeza Rice.

Want some mystical insight into how the election will swing? See what the Boston Red Sox and Washington Redskins have to say.

And finally, be sure to watch the election results tomorrow night on Comedy Central's Indecision 2004

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I am looking forward to an orderly election which will eliminate the need for bloodshed!

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Monday, November 01, 2004

It's almost over!!!

Thank God/Allah/Buddah/Vishnu! Today is the last day of political commercials! The end is near! Vote or Repent! The choice is yours! Giant Douche, or Turd Sandwich! VOTE!!@!##!@

I tell ya what, after 5 months of this crap, I'm actually looking forward to watching some tampon commercials again. At least with tampon commercials, the pussy in question is being plugged up. If only we could get some Kotex for our candidates.
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