Gmail has done a fabulous job of filtering out spam (they also just added a link to report phishing attempts, which is kinda cool), but one got through today. It gave me a great laugh, so I am going to share it with you. As you're reading through it, please note the absence of capital letters, and the unintentional misspellings. As a cunning linguist, this email irritated me in so many different ways, and you'll soon see why...
mr. Charles Brown.
24 river lane government
reserved area, Abuja.
Attention please! strictly confidential!
With all due respect, i guess my letter will not embarrass you, since i have
no previous correspondence with you. i strongly believed, i would not regret
approaching you in this matter. i am mr.charles brown, a solicitor at law
and the personal attorney to late mr. Mark Michelle, a french national. late
mr.mark ichelle is a private oil consultant/contractor with the shell
petroleum development in saudi arabia, herein after shall be
referred to as my client.(Charlie Brown - great psuedonym, by the way - wants to let me know that either Mark Michelle or Mark Ichelle, with Shell Oil has an *important* message for me! Well, the email's not from Nigeria, so it must be real! I'm gonna read on!)
I have avery urgent and mutual business relationship to propose to you. On
thursday june 6th 2000, my client and his wife with their three children
were involved in an auto clash, all occupants of the vehicle unfortunately
lost their lives. since then, i have made several enquiries with his
country's embassies to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has
also proved unsuccessful. after these several unsuccessful attempts, i
decided to personally contact you with this business partnership proposal. i
have contacted you to assist in repatriating a huge amount of money left
behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by
the finance and security company where these huge deposit was lodged. the
deceased had a deposit valued presently at $12,000,000.00
million us dollars (twelve million united state dollars) and company has
issued me a notice to provide his next of kin or beneficiary by will
otherwise have the account confiscated within the next thirty working days.(So, the guy and his family die almost 5 YEARS ago , and he waits until 30 days before the account gets closed to contact me. Great fucking timing there, genius. Maybe he was also in a deadly auto clash. Auto Clash, is he Japanese all of a sudden? Or is that what happens when you put your Joe Strummer CD on repeat?)
Having been unsuccessful in locating any of my late client relatives for
over two (2) years now. i am now seeking your consent to present you as the
next of kin/beneficiary to the deceased so that the proceeds of this account
valued at $ 12 million united states dollars can be paid to you. it is not
necessary to be a blood relation to late mr. mark michelle, neither is it
necessary to bear the same surname with him. it is even not important for
the stand-in next of kin to be a french national.(So, according to French math, 2000 + 2 years = 2005? And if it's not necessary to be a blood relation, share a surname or even be the next of kin to a French national, why the hell isn't he taking the TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS?)
Already, i have worked out modalities for achieving my aim of
appointing a next of kin as well as transfer the money abroad for us to
share in the ratio of 60% for me and 40% to you. it is my intention to
achieve this transfer in a legitimate way, all i required is your honest,
co-operation,confidentiality and trust to enable us see this transaction
through. the money transfer paper work itself will include a certificate
of origin so that the receiving bank does not ask question. also the paper
work will include proper certificate that the fund being transferred is
from non-criminal sources. in short this will be a proper and legal money
transfer with apparently no risk involved. the transaction
is guaranteed to succeed without any problem.(Oh, he's taking over half the money. Greedy bastard. Well, that still leaves me with about 5 million, I can live with that.)
As soon as i hear from you, i shall provide you with further
clarification that you may need.
your urgent response will be highly anticipated and appreciated. Best
Note: in the event you are not willing to assist, kindly notify me to
prevent me from making further contact.
So, should I take him up on it? I don't want to sound gullible, but it seems completely legit to me; they didn't pester me for my SSN, my bank account number or even my real name or birthdate. It's gotta be real!
I'll be going Jeeping and camping this weekend (wooo! Memorial Day!!!) and won't have time to reply to him with something wever and clitty, but I'm open to any suggestions about how I should reply to Chuck. If you're a regular reader of this blog, then you know that I like to send angry, snarky letters to people and companies that raise my ire, so if anyone has any ideas, let me know. I'll be back on Monday evening with some pictures to post, and hopefully some stories to tell.
Have a great holiday!!